Narratorappears in All Stories

Narrator - Appears in all stories as noted below:

The narrator is never referred to by name, and yet is either the main character or one of the main characters in all of the stories.

In "The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds", the narrator introduces his family; his father as the Old Man, his mother, and his kid brother, Randy. The reader understands that his family is one of tradition, that they eat meatloaf and mashed potatoes and red cabbage nearly every night of the year except on Easter. In this story, the narrator is in elementary school at Warren G. Harding School in Hohman, Indiana, and there is quite a social hierarchy on the playground that is ruled by Skut Farkas and his toadie Grover Dill. The narrator describes his experience of having the Bumpus family move in next door and the effect this has on his family, especially his Old Man. The boy watches the battle his father wages against the family, especially the blue-tick hounds that seem to have taken a particular liking to the Old Man. The incident with the Easter Ham shows just how much the narrator looks forward to the tradition of the Easter Ham, with all its pomp and circumstance and the disappointment that it is to have Easter Dinner at the Chop Suey place, usually an event of great celebration.

County Fair! is sparked by the narrator watching an old late-night movie about a fair in Indiana that bears little resemblance to his memory of the county fair he and his family attend annually in Indiana. He recalls the whining of his kid brother and the great delight his father takes in the events of the fair. As the older of the two boys, the narrator is obviously old enough to accompany his Old Man who acts much like a kid himself at the fair. The narrator, as with most kids, enjoys copious amounts of junk food at the fair, and manages to hold everything in even when he, his kid brother, and Old Man ride the Rocket Whip and his kid brother hurls the entire contents of his stomach over all of them. The memory of that fair is not diminished over time, and appears to be an event of moment for the narrator.

Scut Farkas and the Murderous Mariah is a story where the narrator finally stands up to the school bully, matching him stride for stride as he sets Scut Farkas up for what he believes to be an opportunity to finally best the bully. Having carefully sized up his enemy, the narrator practices unceasingly in the basement of his house until he knows he is ready for the confrontation. Once he finds the top he deems equal to the Mariah, the narrator is ready. He practices ceaselessly until he knows that he is physically ready for the challenge against the acknowledged champion, Scut Farkas. To actually challenge Farkas takes a great deal of courage and audacity, both of which the narrator finds within himself. This is a great example of growth for this character.

In Ollie Hopnoodle's Haven of Bliss, the narrator is a typical boy who anticipates summer vacation, and even more importantly, the two week fishing trip his family always takes every summer for the past fourteen years. His focus is on his fishing gear and tackle that he has been collecting over the years, oiling, polishing, and dreaming about using. There is no real indication of the age of the narrator at this point, but it is likely he is in his early teens, and his only focus is on his needs and wants and desires. He is aware that his mother has begun the process of gathering supplies for the trip, and for him this is his signal to start dreaming. He focuses so intently on what he wants that when the time actually comes to get the car packed, the narrator actually forgets to pack the fishing gear, and does not realize it until they are well underway and it is way too late to turn around and retrieve it. The remainder of the trip for the narrator is colored by his disappointment in himself and the fact that the fishing trip will not include fishing this year. It could be that this trip is so memorable for the narrator for this very reason; his disappointment in himself is so intense that all other events during the trip are magnified because of this. His pain and anguish is dissipated in a flash, however, when they are unloading at the cabin and his Old Man tells him that the fishing gear is on the top of the car.

In The Star-crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski, learning that a beautiful Polish girl just his age has moved in next door to him, the narrator is anxious to catch sight of the vision of loveliness. He and his three friends catch a glimpse of her one night, and finally he meets her on the way home from Pulaski's store. On the way home, she invites the narrator to a party, and he feels that she is a dream come true for him. He is even willing to miss the big Whiting basketball game for a date with Josie Cosnowski. Preparations begin the day before, as he washes and waxes the car in December. The night of the party he spends a lot of time on his preparations, ensuring that he will look his best when he picks up his date. Before they can leave, the narrator is stuffed to the gills with Polish food, a tribute to Josie's cooking abilities. Once at the party, the narrator figures out that he is matrimonial material for little Josie Cosnowski, and he makes a bolt for freedom. He does not want to end up like Howie, who is married to a girl who attends St. Ignatious and has caused him to be angry all the time.

In Daphne Bigelow and the Spine-chilling Saga of the Snail-encrusted Tinfoil Noose, the narrator believes himself to be in the presence of a goddess when he is paired with Daphne Bigelow in Freshman Biology class. They work well together; in his mind all their conversations are sparkling, scintillating, and perfect. He finally works up the courage to ask her on a date preparatory to asking her to the Spring Dance. The date seems to go fine, though he does see things a little differently with such a classy girl at his side. The wonderful Orpheum seems seedy and dirty, something he had never noticed before. He also discovers just how far it is for him to walk home from the North Side, for he is too proud to take a ride from the Bigelow's chauffeur after their date is over. He realizes that he never did invite Daphne to the Spring Dance, but then considers he may invite someone else after all.

The Return of the Smiling Wimpy Doll is an intense journey down memory lane for the narrator, a reminder of many of the toys he had in his youth the result of downing hundreds cans of soup, or a certain drink or cereal in order to attain an item of desire, whether it is the Wimpy Doll, Flash Gordon, or Buck Rogers gear. His descent into shame for being an inadequate salesman or for not paying for a collection of stamps tracks him into adulthood when confronted with the evidence. After he has taken an afternoon with his past, he chooses to wrap it all back up and put it in a closet.

Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories shows the narrator at his most gloriously funny and innocent. Comparing the rites of puberty passage of the Ugga Bugga tribes in Micronesia to the corresponding rite of passage of the Junior Prom shows the narrator to be on a ride that appears to be going out of control and he cannot get off. Every step of the way the narrator is dogged by the results of his choices, and the decisions of others. His date with Wanda Hickey comes about only because she happens by his house, otherwise he may very well have gone to the Prom alone. At the Prom, the ride is self-sustaining, until he has to bail out his convertible which has flooded in the rain during the dance. At the Rooster, he tries to impress his friends, and likely himself by ordering a bourbon like his Old Man, a triple, when he has never had a drink before. A second triple follows the first with predictable results. It is his choice to eat a huge and heavy meal in an attempt to feel better that has the reader cringing. His final humiliation of the evening seems to be the final rite of passage which his Old Man believes has made him a man the following morning.

Old Manappears in Several Stories as noted below:

In The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds, The Old Man is shown in his true element here. He awakens the night the Bumpus family moves in next door, cursing them and the fact that he has stubbed his toe for the millionth time on the bed. The battle between the Old Man and the Bumpuses is covert and rather quiet until the episode of the Easter Ham, when he is deprived of one of his most favorite and anticipated culinary treats by the Bumpus hounds entering the house in a horde and stealing the ham. From this point forward it is open war, not that the Bumpuses notice. When the Bumpuses finally disappear, the Old Man is every so slightly disappointed that he no longer has a daily adversary.

The event of the County Fair is another annual event that the Old Man pretends to have no interest in, yet when the time comes he is just as anxious as the rest of the family to join in the fun. For him, the dirt track racing is the highlight of the fair, followed by the skinny blondes on motorcycles, and then the pumpkin that looks like the president and a quilt that bears the likeness of a famous baseball player. The only rides the Old Man will consider are the most frightening and terrifying on the strip; to show his benevolence, he takes both his boys aboard the Whirligig Rocket Whip that whips the three of them to fluff; he loses all his pocket change and his Wearever pen bestowed on him by his bowling buddies. Each year he ends the year by saying the same thing, that the fair this year was better than the fair last year.

In Ollie Hopnoodle's Haven of Bliss, The Old Man's delight in their annual journey to southern Michigan is unsurpassed by any other event of the year. He manages to maintain his cool until about a week before the event when he makes The Big Call to Ollie's to reserve the green cabin. The night before they leave he insists that they will be on the road by six in the morning, then he and the narrator's mother stay up until long past midnight going over the provisions that have been collecting over the past two months. It is only after a cigarette and two cups of coffee that the Old Man is ready to handle the packing job, which takes hours. The sun is well past its zenith by the time the Shepherd family is on the road. The Old Man curses the traffic, his youngest son who gets carsick, the flat tire, the bee that terrifies his wife, and the smelly chicken truck. Finally, at the cabin, the Old Man reveals to the narrator that the fishing gear did indeed get packed, and that all is now right with the world again.

A boon for the Old Man occurs in the story Daphne Bigelow and the Spine-chilling Saga of the Snail-encrusted Tinfoil Noose when his son informs him that he has asked Daphne Bigelow for a date. Daphne Bigelow is the daughter of chairman-of-the-bank Maxwell Bigelow. The Old Man sees this as an opportunity for his family to finally make a huge jump in their class, that they will finally live the high life, that things will finally change for them. He seems somewhat skeptical, but does have a certain amount of pride in his son that he has managed to get a date with one of the upper class citizens from the North Side.

Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories has the Old Man continuing to support his son in oblique and indirect ways. He gives his oldest son twenty dollars when he discovers that he likely does not have enough money for the prom. When his son still thinks that he might ask Daphne Bigelow to the Prom, he believes his son to be a glutton for punishment. The morning after the Prom, when his son returns home, he sees the devastation that is his rented suit and remarks that he must have had a good time. Good times for the Old Man are now early mornings when he goes fishing.

Motherappears in Several Stories as Listed Below

The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds shows Mother to be a bit of a quiet woman who merely accepts life as it comes her way. She may have had plans and ideas in the past, but her life now is one of endless meals of meatloaf, mashed potatoes, red cabbage, and coffee grounds. Her reaction to the Bumpus clan next door is one of shock and eventual acceptance, not having enough inside of her to actually fight against the situation. She takes very good care of her family, and spends countless hours preparing the Easter Ham because it is the tradition of the family. How her heart must have broken when the Bumpus hounds devoured their lovely dinner.

County Fair! again shows Mother as a calm and accepting woman. It is likely that she has resigned herself to her life as a wife and mother and that her lot in life is unlikely to change. The event of the county fair is a high point in her life, one where she wishes to see the work of other women in the quilting display and the canning events. She deals with her whiny youngest son by bribing him with taffy apples, accepts her husband's decision to take both boys on the Rocket Whip, and it is likely she enjoys the results of that decision, though that is never mentioned in the story. She has spent a lot of time worrying about her husband making a fool of himself and feels the compunction to remind him at the fair.

In Ollie Hopnoodle's Haven of Bliss, Mother begins the preparations for the two week vacation at Ollie Hopnoodle's at the beginning of the summer. She begins to lay in supplies of canned goods, clothing, sleeping apparatus, bug repellent in a summer-long effort. The night before they leave for vacation, she and the Old Man go over the list late into the night. She must have known that the very early start promised by her husband will not happen and she is resigned to it. In fact, Mother seems resigned to her lot in life. She knows that there is not much she can do to change things, and so she merely goes along with whatever happens and calmly accepts things as they come. Every crisis and disaster that accompanies them on their trip to Ollie Hopnoodle's does not faze her. She knows that her youngest is getting carsick. She knows to have her kids not irritate her husband when the tire goes flat. She does get in a few digs, especially when the Old Man refuses to fill the gas tank at the last station and they run out of gas. She is a calming and steadying influence on the family, and yet the reader has to have some sort of pity for her, as she is the only female in a group of guys going fishing for two weeks.

In The Star-crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski, Mother is the narrator's source of information on the new family that has moved in next door to them in the Bumpus's old house. The Cosnowskis, a Polish family from East Chicago, have moved in, and they have a daughter just the narrator's age. It is unclear how she comes by this information. She also nags the narrator to leave his overshoes on the back porch and not mess up her kitchen floor. Her last role in this story is to send the narrator to Pulaski's store whenever she does not feel like shopping.

In Daphne Bigelow and the Spine-chilling Saga of the Snail-encrusted Tinfoil Noose, Mother does not quite understand the magnitude and gravity of the news when the narrator informs his family that he is taking Daphne Bigelow out on a date. Mother has a tendency to not want to deal with anything out of the ordinary, and so tries to heal all wounds with an extra helping of mashed potatoes. Once she finally realizes that her son really is going out on the date, her words of wisdom are set in granite. He is to be nice to them. She does not want anyone thinking that she did not raise her kids right. When her son returns after his disastrous date, she asks if he was nice to them. That is of greater concern to her than whether or not he really had a nice time.

Mother's role in Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories is not much expanded. She is still the long-suffering woman who puts up with her two sons fighting about nonsensical things. She continually nags Randy to eat. Her ability to get stains out is perhaps her most stellar role, for when the narrator gets the collar of his rented suit dirty she is able to get it beautifully clean. She then assists the narrator in getting ready, and is truly impressed by the cummerbund as she has never touched one before.

Kid Brother - Randyappears in Several Stories as Listed Below

The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds refers to Randy as the kid brother who constantly whines.

County Fair! continues with the whining theme as well as sobbing when he does not get his way. This manipulative behavior is continued throughout the day at the fair where he manages to wheedle not one but three taffy apples out of his mother in return for accompanying her to the exhibits she wishes to see. The kid brother eats too much junk food, and looses it all on a wild ride with his father and brother. He also rides both the ferris wheel and merry-go-round, screaming to stay each time the rides stop.

Ollie Hopnoodle's Haven of Bliss: The narrator's kid brother is a side-kick and fodder for a great many jokes. The kid brother's only role in this story is to delay the trip with his seventy-five stops to use a restroom and the one time that he gets carsick, a sign to the narrator that they are halfway through their trip. He is still a whiny, complaining kid who is irritating both awake and asleep.

Daphne Bigelow and the Spine-chilling Saga of the Snail-encrusted Tinfoil Noose is the story where the narrator's kid brother's famous eating habits are exposed. He prefers to form his meatloaf and mashed potatoes into an inflated football, or he simply refuses to eat and his mother and the Old Man have to pry his mouth open so that they can pour the pureed turnips down his throat.

Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories shows Randy being a pest, wearing his new Flash Gordon t-shirt. The narrator sprays his little brother with the hose, and causes the t-shirt to shrink enough to expose Randy's belly button. He is still a whining pest of a little brother.

Delbert Bumpusappears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds

Delbert Bumpus, Appears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds - Delbert Bumpus is in the narrator's grade at Warren G. Harding School, and changes the dynamics of the school, the teachers, and the bullies on the playground. Delbert attends school about three days out of the month, and spends his time while at school not playing, not talking, but chewing and spitting, and creating an aroma that results from a combination of not bathing and living with many animals. Delbert understands the concept of volleyball, but is frustrated when he nails the ball and knocks someone from the opposite team down, and is then told that is not how to play. The narrator once throws Delbert out at third base during a game, and the boy's scowl warns the narrator that he will pay him back. The Easter Ham is that payback, as the narrator and his stricken family watch the Bumpus hounds finish what is left of the ham, the narrator sees Delbert watching him and nods his head as if to emphasize his culpability in the matter.

Emil Bumpusappears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds

Emil Bumpus, Appears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds - Emil is the patriarch of the Bumpus clan who moves next door to the Shepherd family. He is some kind of headman, very tall, big man, chews, and an original red neck. Most people originally thought he wore a red bandana, but that is the actual color of his neck. He has huge hands that are made for hitting things. He was once accosted at the Blue Bird Tavern, but did not actually realize he had been hit over the head with his own jug, his head is that hard. He imbibes in a regular basis, both at the Blue Bird Tavern and of his own homemade brew; one time becoming so inebriated that he thinks that his back porch is talking back to him. In response, Emil tears the porch off the house and the house is porchless from this point forward. He has a strangely affectionate way of greeting his daughter Cassie who comes home from the reformatory.

Daisy Mae Bumpusappears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds

Daisy Mae Bumpus, Appears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds - Delbert's sister.

Ima Jean Bumpusappears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds

Ima Jean Bumpus, Appears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds - Short, muscular, in sixth grade if she attends school, but prefers to spend time in the pool hall.

Jamie Bumpusappears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds

Jamie Bumpus, Appears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds - Has a perpetual beard shadow, is tall, wears shoes, and runs the still.

Ace Bumpusappears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds

Ace Bumpus, Appears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds - Wears a fedora, sits on the front porch and pretends to light sticks of dynamite when little old ladies walk by the house.

Cassie Bumpusappears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds

Cassie Bumpus, Appears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds - The Bumpus daughter who has been in reformatory school. Once she is home she lounges around the house wearing very little, prompting the narrator's Old Man to watch the Bumpus house much more carefully than before.

Miss Parsonsappears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hound

Miss Parsons, Appears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds - Teacher at Warren G. Harding School, volleyball instructor.

Miss Shieldsappears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hound

Miss Shields, Appears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds - Teacher at Warren G. Harding School, literature instructor.

Jack Mortonappears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds

Jack Morton, Appears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds - Classmate of the narrator and Delbert Bumpus who is struck by the volleyball in the pit of the stomach. He collapses on the floor the color of hot porridge. Delbert Bumpus has a truly mean volleyball serve.

Grover Dillappears in Several Stories as listed below

Grover Dill, Appears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds - Toadie to Scut Farkas, and the second most feared kid on the school playground. He finally meets his match with Delbert Bumpus, who knocks him flat in two seconds.

Appears in Scut Farkas and the Murderous Mariah - Equally as dangerous as Scut Farkas, Grover Dill is a menace in his own right. By combining forces with Farkas, Dill creates an alliance that is still talked about to this day. Grover Dill's usual job is to hang around the kids and report back to Farkas. This is know Dill knows of the challenge the narrator makes regarding the war of the tops. Once the challenge has been answered by Farkas, Dill makes a toss of his two-sided nickel so that Farkas wins the toss. In order to assist his boss, Dill tries to throw the narrator off balance, kicks up mud, and even pushing the narrator in order to assure a victory for Farkas.

Scut Farkasappears in Several Stories as listed below

Scut Farkas, Appears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds - Scut Farkas is the major bully at Warren G. Harding School. His second in command is Grover Dill, who actually does most of the bullying at Scut's behest.

Appears in Scut Farkas and the Murderous Mariah - The character of the playground bully at Warren G. Harding school is further defined. He is a master top spinner, being the owner of a top that some say is not a toy, but something more like a weapon. Farkas carries the top around in his back pocket and brings it out only in anger. Called the Mariah, the top is known for over fifty kills, where Farkas will spin his top, releasing it in a murderous throw, usually splitting his opponent's top in two. Another defining characteristic of Farkas is his evil eye, seen by just about every kid on the playground. His eye is of pure silver-gray, unblinking and it glows from the inside. To round out his personality, Farkas chews Red Mule Cut Plug, spitting into his inkwell while in class, and then aiming for someone's hair on the playground. For him, calling another kid by his first name is to demonstrate weakness. But it is Scut's unsurpassed ability as a top spinner that is recognized by all. Unable to pass up the challenge issued by the narrator, Farkas enters into a battle of the tops, Mariah against Wolf. His disbelief when both tops disappear is satisfying to the reader. He is not the loser of this match, but neither is he the victor.

Schwartzappears in Several Stories as listed below

Schwartz, Appears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds - Friend of the narrator, equal to him in the playground hierarchy at Warren G. Harding School.

Appears in The Star-crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski - Joins narrator, Junior Kissel, and Flick in the parade in front of Josie Cosnowski's house in an attempt to catch a first glimpse of the new girl in the neighborhood. Schwartz, Flick and the narrator are also in the Buick that has just given them a ride home from school when Flick asks Schwartz if he thinks the narrator will get lucky that night.

Appears in Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories - In this story, Schwartz plays a bigger role than just a companion. Here Schwartz is shown to actually be a close friend and confidant. Schwartz has a tendency to be very organized and meticulous about things. The Prom is no different. He has his date, formalwear and corsage lined up long before the narrator does. He joins the narrator on a double date to the prom, including the event at the Rooster afterward where he has his first taste of two double bourbons. Ever the friend, he joins the narrator in the bathroom of the Rooster in one of the more painful and embarrassing of the rites of passage.

Flickappears in Several Stories as listed below

Flick, Appears in The Grandstand Passion Play of Delbert and the Bumpus Hounds - Friend of the narrator, equal to the narrator in the playground hierarchy at Warren G. Harding School.

Appears in The Star-crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski - Joins narrator, Junior Kissel, and Schwartz in the parade in front of Josie Cosnowski's house in an attempt to catch a first glimpse of the new girl in the neighborhood. Flick, Schwartz and the narrator are also in the Buick that has just given them a ride home from school when Flick asks Schwartz if he thinks the narrator will get lucky that night.

Appears in Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories - Flick is a peripheral friend of the narrator and of Schwartz. His success in life is uncertain for he apparently fails just about everything, though he doggedly works through his chemistry during study hall. He, too, attends the prom, but is not actually with the narrator and Schwartz.

Junior Kisselappears in Two Stories as listed below

Appears in Scut Farkas and the Murderous Mariah - Junior Kissel lives near the narrator, and is one of his frequent companions. On the school playground, Kissel is a player of tops, and the narrator sacrifices his friend's top in order to get Scut Farkas to enter a battle of the tops with him.

Appears in The Star-crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski - Junior Kissel joins the narrator, Flick, and Schwartz as the quartet parade in front of the Shepherd and Cosnowski house about a dozen times in an effort to catch sight of the foreign beauty who lives next door to the narrator. Kissel makes the first score and catches sight of Josie first.

Old Man Pulaskiappears in Two Stories as listed below

Old Man Pulaski, Appears in Scut Farkas and the Murderous Mariah - Old Man Pulaski has little time for the kids of Hohman. His job is to sell as much merchandise as possible, and he has no patience for the decision making process of a young person, especially when it comes to the selection of a top. He main clientele are the Polish and Lithuanian housewives who use the soup bones he sells. He tries to hurry the purchase along, but to no avail.

Appears in The Star-crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski -

Ollie Hopnoodleappears in Ollie Hopnoodle's Haven of Bliss

Ollie Hopnoodle, Appears in Ollie Hopnoodle's Haven of Bliss - The old owner of the Clear Lake resort in Michigan. He takes reservations two weeks in advance, and is pleased to announce that he has installed two additional seats in the outhouse nearest the Haven of Bliss cottage for the narrator's family.

Josephine Cosnowski, a.k.a. Josieappears in The Star-crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski

Josephine Cosnowski, Appears in The Star-crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski - The new girl in the neighborhood whose family has moved into the old Bumpus house. She is of Polish origin and the narrator thinks that she is the most exotic creature he has ever seen. He dreams of asking her out when she invites him to go to a holiday party with her. She acts as if she is really attracted to the narrator, and seems to feel very secure with him as her date while at the party. It is unknown what her reaction is when the narrator leaves the party without her.

Howieappears in The Star-crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski

Howie, Appears in The Star-crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski - Clerk at Pulaski's store who used to play softball with the narrator and also used to be fun. Now, he is married, had to leave highschool in order to do the right thing. He works nineteen hours a day, thin, red hawk like face, mustard yellow hair. After he had to get married, he is always mad. Howie is at the St. Ignatious party and looks harried, handing out doughnuts to his kids. His eyes seem to tell the narrator that he had better run while he still can.

Uncle Stanleyappears in The Star-crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski

Uncle Stanley, Appears in The Star-crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski - A steelworker who gives the narrator, Schwartz, and Flick a ride when the boys are hitch-hiking home. They do not realize that he is Josie Cosnowski's uncle and he overhears Schwartz asking the narrator if he is going to score tonight. Later at the party, Uncle Stanley recognizes the narrator and indicates that he wants to speak to Josie.

Stosh Cosnowskiappears in The Star-crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski

Stosh Cosnowski, Appears in The Star-crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski - Brother to Josephine Cosnowski who takes it on himself to warn the narrator that he had better give his sister a good time at the party. Stosh is a huge boy, smelling of a locker room where he spends a good deal of time. He leaves a dent the size of an elephant's footprint on the fender of the Olds just by putting his foot up there. He chases the narrator for blocks through the dark when the narrator makes a run for it from the party at the church. As a huge football player, he moves pretty quickly, but finally gives up and leaves the narrator to finish running home in the dark alone.

Priestappears in The Star-crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski

Priest, Appears in The Star-crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski - Bald, gold-rimmed glasses, pastor of St. Ignatious Roman Catholic Church. He remembers giving Josephine the sacrament of baptism and is interested in getting to know the narrator very well as he is Josephine's young man.

Daphne Bigelowappears in Two Stories as listed below

Daphne Bigelow, Appears in Daphne Bigelow and the Spine-chilling Saga of the Snail-encrusted Tinfoil Noose - Daphne is the narrator's lab partner in Biology during sophomore year in high school. She is one of the upper crust in town. She actually says very little to the narrator, but they work well together as lab partners. She agrees to go out on a date with the narrator. Once he arrives at her palatial home, she tells him that their driver will take them. In the car, she waits for the narrator to give directions to the chauffeur, but when the narrator is unable to give the order, she does so in such a way that the narrator realizes that he is seeing a different side of Daphne Bigelow. She finds the atmosphere at the Orpheum Theater "interesting", the smells and carnal activities something new for her. After the movie she indicates she prefers to go home rather than going to the Rooster. That is the end of the romance between the narrator and Daphne Bigelow.

Appears in Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories - The narrator intends to ask Daphne Bigelow to the Junior Prom, based on the fact that he had been brave enough to go out on a date with her the year before. The narrator never gets around to asking Daphne, and she appears at the prom with her date, a Princeton college student.

Maxwell Bigelowappears in Daphne Bigelow and the Spine-chilling Saga of the Snail-encr

Maxwell Bigelow, Appears in Daphne Bigelow and the Spine-chilling Saga of the Snail-encrusted Tinfoil Noose - A very successful businessman who lives with his daughter Daphne, on the North Side. They have a butler who answers the door, and a chauffeur who drives the car for them. He mistakenly believes the narrator to be one of the Pittsburgh Steel Shepherds, and treats him, initially like an equal. Astutely, he realizes that the narrator is just another boy at the public school his daughter attends.

Doormanappears in The Return of the Wimpy Doll

Doorman, Appears in The Return of the Wimpy Doll - The doorman to the apartment building in Manhattan where the narrator is living as an adult. He retrieves the Ed Wynn Fire Chief Hat from a little boy after the Narrator drops it out the window of his apartment. He finds the vision of the narrator with all his childhood memorabilia strangely interesting.

Clara Mae Mattinglyappears in Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories

Clara Mae Mattingly, Appears in Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories - The girl who spells well and has agreed to go to the Junior Prom with Schwartz. She appears to be a pretty good sport as she does not fuss about the soggy car seats after the Prom on the way to the Rooster. She drinks a Pink Lady at the Rooster.

Eileen Akersappears in Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories

Eileen Akers, Appears in Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories - Girl who wears glasses, on whom the narrator had a crush in the third grade. Plays tennis with Wanda Hickey in high school.

Janie Hutchisonappears in Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories

Janie Hutchison, Appears in Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories - A tall funny girl who has accepted Flick's invitation to the Junior Prom.

Wanda Hickeyappears in Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories

Wanda Hickey, Appears in Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories - Wanda Hickey has had a crush on the narrator for years, starting in the third grade. The narrator's mother suggested that he invite Wanda to the Junior Prom, which he eventually does. Wanda is thrilled to go with the boy she's had a crush on for eight years. She dresses beautifully, enjoys the Prom, does not complain about the soggy car on the ride over to the Rooster, and is impressed with the narrator through his bourbon introduction and generous tip for the waiter. She expects a kiss at the end of the evening, but the sauerkraut on her breath prevents that final moment of bliss.