Why does Winston hesitate to write in the journal?How does his initial foray reflect his true emotions and thought?

Winston knows that the second he writes in his journal, he will eventually be killed.: he will be vaporised and erased from history. Winston cannot however stop himself. He yearns to write his feelings down. He bottles up his thoughts, feelings, and outward reactions for fear the thought police will notice and arrest him. Winston hopes writing in his journal will be a catharsis. He wants to know he is still alive and still has independent thought. Winston hesitates because he knows the gravity of such an action. Writing in his journal means his life is now limited to when the thought police will arrest him.