He said, “Well, sir, what can I do for you?”

I said, “Sire, on or about the 10th day of October, 1861, John Wilson Mackenzie, of Rotterdam, Chemung County, New Jersey, deceased, contracted with the General Government to furnish to General Sherman the sum total of thirty barrels of beef—­”

He stopped me there, and dismissed me from his presence—­kindly, but firmly.  The next day called on the Secretary of State.

He said, “Well, sir?”

I said, “Your Royal Highness:  on or about the 10th day of October, 1861, John Wilson Mackenzie of Rotterdam, Chemung County, New Jersey, deceased, contracted with the General Government to furnish to General Sherman the sum total of thirty barrels of beef—­”

“That will do, sir—­that will do; this office has nothing to do with contracts for beef.”

I was bowed out.  I thought the matter all over and finally, the following day, I visited the Secretary of the Navy, who said, “Speak quickly, sir; do not keep me waiting.”

I said, “Your Royal Highness, on or about the 10th day of October, 1861, John Wilson Mackenzie of Rotterdam, Chemung County, New Jersey, deceased, contracted with the General Government to General Sherman the sum total of thirty barrels of beef—­”

Well, it was as far as I could get.  He had nothing to do with beef contracts for General Sherman either.  I began to think it was a curious kind of government.  It looked somewhat as if they wanted to get out of paying for that beef.  The following day I went to the Secretary of the Interior.

I said, “Your Imperial Highness, on or about the 10th day of October—­”

“That is sufficient, sir.  I have heard of you before.  Go, take your infamous beef contract out of this establishment.  The Interior Department has nothing whatever to do with subsistence for the army.”

I went away.  But I was exasperated now.  I said I would haunt them; I would infest every department of this iniquitous government till that contract business was settled.  I would collect that bill, or fall, as fell my predecessors, trying.  I assailed the Postmaster-General; I besieged the Agricultural Department; I waylaid the Speaker of the House of Representatives.  They had nothing to do with army contracts for beef.  I moved upon the Commissioner of the Patent Office.

I said, “Your August Excellency, on or about—­”

“Perdition! have you got here with your incendiary beef contract, at last?  We have nothing to do with beef contracts for the army, my dear sir.”

“Oh, that is all very well—­but somebody has got to pay for that beef.  It has got to be paid now, too, or I’ll confiscate this old Patent Office and everything in it.”

“But, my dear sir—­”

“It don’t make any difference, sir.  The Patent Office is liable for that beef, I reckon; and, liable or not liable, the Patent Office has got to pay for it.”