Now I know what you next want is, to hear accounts of kings, queens, and such royal personages.  O ho! do you so?  Well.

Shall I tell you a few matters of fact?—­or, had you rather a few matters of etiquette?  Oh, matters of etiquette, you cry! for matters of fact are short and stupid, and anybody can tell, and everybody is tired with them.

Very well, take your own choice.

To begin, then, with the beginning.

You know I told you, in my last, my various difficulties, what sort of preferment to turn my thoughts to, and concluded with just starting a young budding notion of decision, by suggesting that a handsome pension for nothing at all would be as well as working night and day for a salary.

This blossom of an idea, the more I dwelt upon, the more I liked.  Thinking served it for a hothouse, and it came out into full blow as I ruminated upon my pillow.  Delighted that thus all my contradictory and wayward fancies were overcome, and my mind was peaceably settled what to wish and to demand, I gave over all further meditation upon choice of elevation, and had nothing more to do but to make my election known.

My next business, therefore, was to be presented.  This could be no difficulty; my coming hither had been their own desire, and they had earnestly pressed its execution.  I had only to prepare myself for the rencounter.

You would never believe—­you, who, distant from Courts and courtiers, know nothing of their ways—­the many things to be studied, for appearing with a proper propriety before crowned heads.  Heads without crowns are quite other sort of rotundas.

Now, then, to the etiquette.  I inquired into every particular, that no error might be committed.  And as there is no saying what may happen in this mortal life, I shall give you those instructions I have received myself, that, should you find yourself in the royal presence, you may know how to comport yourself. 323

       Directionsfor coughing, sneezing, or moving before the king
                                and queen.

In the first place, you must not cough.  If you find a cough tickling in your throat, you must arrest it from making any sound; if you find yourself choking with the forbearance, you must choke—­but not cough.

In the second place, you must not sneeze.  If you have a vehement cold, you must take no notice of it; if your nose membranes feel a great irritation, you must hold your breath; if a sneeze still insists upon making its way, you must oppose it, by keeping your teeth grinding together; if the violence of the repulse breaks some blood-vessel, you must break the blood-vessel—­but not sneeze.