noting—­that she seemed, by some intuition, to know the music I liked best; and great help she often gave me by so uplifting my heart upon the billows of the organ-harmony, that my thinking became free and harmonious, and I spoke, as far as my own feeling was concerned, like one upheld on the unseen wings of ministering cherubim.  How it might be to those who heard me, or what the value of the utterance in itself might be, I cannot tell.  I only speak of my own feelings, I say.

Does my reader wonder why I did not yet make any further attempt to gain favour in the lady’s eyes?  He will see, if he will think for a moment.  First of all, I could not venture until she had seen more of me; and how to enjoy more of her society while her mother was so unfriendly, both from instinctive dislike to me, and because of the offence I had given her more than once, I did not know; for I feared that to call oftener might only occasion measures upon her part to prevent me from seeing her daughter at all; and I could not tell how far such measures might expedite the event I most dreaded, or add to the discomfort to which Miss Oldcastle was already so much exposed.  Meantime I heard nothing of Captain Everard; and the comfort that flowed from such a negative source was yet of a very positive character.  At the same time—­will my reader understand me?—­I was in some measure deterred from making further advances by the doubt whether her favour for Captain Everard might not be greater than Judy had represented it.  For I had always shrunk, I can hardly say with invincible dislike, for I had never tried to conquer it, from rivalry of every kind:  it was, somehow, contrary to my nature.  Besides, Miss Oldcastle was likely to be rich some day—­apparently had money of her own even now; and was it a weakness? was it not a weakness?—­I cannot tell—­I writhed at the thought of being supposed to marry for money, and being made the object of such remarks as, “Ah! you see!  That’s the way with the clergy!  They talk about poverty and faith, pretending to despise riches and to trust in God; but just put money in their way, and what chance will a poor girl have beside a rich one!  It’s all very well in the pulpit.  It’s their business to talk so.  But does one of them believe what he says? or, at least, act upon it?” I think I may be a little excused for the sense of creeping cold that passed over me at the thought of such remarks as these, accompanied by compressed lips and down-drawn corners of the mouth, and reiterated nods of the head of KNOWINGNESS.  But I mention this only as a repressing influence, to which I certainly should not have been such a fool as to yield, had I seen the way otherwise clear.  For a man by showing how to use money, or rather simply by using money aright, may do more good than by refusing to possess it, if it comes to him in an entirely honourable way, that is, in such a case as mine, merely as an accident of his history.  But I was glad to feel pretty