GILBEY.  My Uncle Phil was a teetotaller.  My father used to say to me:  Rob, he says, dont you ever have a weakness.  If you find one getting a hold on you, make a merit of it, he says.  Your Uncle Phil doesnt like spirits; and he makes a merit of it, and is chairman of the Blue Ribbon Committee.  I do like spirits; and I make a merit of it, and I’m the King Cockatoo of the Convivial Cockatoos.  Never put yourself in the wrong, he says.  I used to boast about what a good boy Bobby was.  Now I swank about what a dog he is; and it pleases people just as well.  What a world it is!

KNOX.  It turned my blood cold at first to hear Margaret telling people about Holloway; but it goes down better than her singing used to.

MRS KNOX.  I never thought she sang right after all those lessons we paid for.

GILBEY.  Lord, Knox, it was lucky you and me got let in together.  I tell you straight, if it hadnt been for Bobby’s disgrace, I’d have broke up the firm.

KNOX.  I shouldnt have blamed you:  I’d have done the same only for Margaret.  Too much straightlacedness narrows a man’s mind.  Talking of that, what about those hygienic corset advertisements that Vines & Jackson want us to put in the window?  I told Vines they werent decent and we couldnt shew them in our shop.  I was pretty high with him.  But what am I to say to him now if he comes and throws this business in our teeth?

GILBEY.  Oh, put em in.  We may as well go it a bit now.

MRS GILBEY.  Youve been going it quite far enough, Rob. [To Mrs Knox] He wont get up in the mornings now:  he that was always out of bed at seven to the tick!

MRS KNOX.  You hear that, Jo? [To Mrs Gilbey] Hes taken to whisky and soda.  A pint a week!  And the beer the same as before!

KNOX.  Oh, dont preach, old girl.

MRS KNOX. [To Mrs Gilbey] Thats a new name hes got for me. [to Knox] I tell you, Jo, this doesnt sit well on you.  You may call it preaching if you like; but it’s the truth for all that.  I say that if youve happiness within yourself, you dont need to seek it outside, spending money on drink and theatres and bad company, and being miserable after all.  You can sit at home and be happy; and you can work and be happy.  If you have that in you, the spirit will set you free to do what you want and guide you to do right.  But if you havent got it, then youd best be respectable and stick to the ways that are marked out for you; for youve nothing else to keep you straight.

KNOX. [angrily] And is a man never to have a bit of fun?  See whats come of it with your daughter!  She was to be content with your happiness that youre always talking about; and how did the spirit guide her?  To a month’s hard for being drunk and assaulting the police.  Did I ever assault the police?

MRS KNOX.  You wouldnt have the courage.  I dont blame the girl.