I don’t lye; but she was somewhat in years, and Agatho the sweet oilman, persuaded me not to let my name run out, when instead of doing good to her, I have put a thorn in my own foot:  but I’ll have a care that she dig me not out of my grave with her nails:  And that she may know what I’ll do at present, I will not, Habinas, have you put her statue in my monument, that I have no words with her when I am dead:  Nay, that she may know I am able to plague her, she shall not so much as kiss me when I die.”  After this ratling, Habinas entreated him to give over his anger; “There’s none of us all,” said he, “but some time or other does amiss; we are but men, not gods.”  Weeping Scintilla said the same, called him Caius, and by his own good nature, besought him to be pacified.

Trimalchio not able to hold tears any longer, “I beg of you, Habinas,” said he, “and as you wish to enjoy what you have gotten, if I have done any thing without cause, spit in my face:  I kiss’d the boy ’tis true, not for his beauty, but that he’s a hopeful thrifty lad:  He has several sentences by heart, can read a book at first sight; saves money out of his days provision; has a binn of his own to keep it, and two drinking cups; and does he not deserve to be in my eye? but Fortunata, forsooth, will not have it so; your bandy legs won’t away with it.  Be content with your own, thou she-kite, and don’t disquiet me, thou harlotry, or otherwise thou’lt find what I am; thou knowest well enough, if I once set on’t, ’tis immoveable.  But we’ll remember the living.

“Come, my friends, let’s see how merry ye can be, for in my time I have been no better than your selves, but by my own industry I am what I am:  ’Tis the heart makes a man, all the rest is but stuff.  I buy cheap and sell dear; another man may sell ye other things, but I enjoy my self; and thou dunghillraker, are thou yet gruntling, I’ll make ye hereafter do it for somewhat.

“But as I was saying my frugality brought the fortune I have:  I came out of Asia no taller than this candlestick, and daily measured my self by it:  and that I might get a beard the sooner, rubb’d my lips with the candle-grease; yet I kept Ganymede to my master fourteen years (nor is any thing dishonourable that the master commands) and the same time contented my mistress:  Ye know what I mean, I’ll say no more, for I am no boaster.  By this means, as the gods would have it, the governing the house was committed to me, and nothing was done but by my guidance:  What need many words?  He made me joint-heir with Caesar, and I had by it a Senator’s estate; but no man thinks he has enough, and I had a mighty desire to turn merchant.  Not to detain you longer; I built five ships, freighted them with wines, which at that time were as dear as gold, and sent them to Rome; you’ll think I desir’d to have it so:  All my ships founder’d at sea; ’tis a great truth, no story; Neptune swallowed me in one day three hundred thousand sesterties.