Nor was there ever a harsher sound yet pierced my ears; for besides his disordered country tone, his pitiful and starvling way of delivery, he so stufft it with scraps of verses, that even Virgil then first disrelished me; till at last so tyr’d, that he could hold no longer; “D’ye think,” said Habinas, “this boy has learn’d nothing?  I bred him with juglers that follow the fair:  Nor has he his fellow, whether he humours a muliteer or a jester.  This never-be-good has abundance of wit; he’s a taylor, a cook, a baker, a jack of all trades, and but for two faults, were exact to a hair:  He’s crack-brain’d, and snores in his sleep:  For that cast of his eye I value it not, he looks like Venus, and therefore his tongue is ever running; and were that eye out he were worth the money I gave for him.”

On which Scintilla interrupting him, told him he was a naughty man, for not telling all his servant’s good qualities:  “He’s a pimp,” said he, “if not worse, but I’ll take care he be branded for that.”

Trimalchio laught, and said he knew he was a Cappadocian that never beguiled himself of any thing, and “(so help me Hercules) I commend him for ’t:  when will you find such another, but Scintilla, you must not be jealous!  Believe me, and I know you too; may I so enjoy the health you wish me, as I play’d at leap-frog so long with our boy, that my master grew jealous, and sent me to dig in the country:  But hold thy tongue and I’ll give thee a loaf.”  I marvel,” said I, “whether they be all mash’d together or made of loam; for in a Saturnal at Rome, my self saw the like imaginary shew of a supper.”

Nor had I scarce said it, when—­quoth Trimalchio, “Let me so grow in estate, not bulk, as my cook made all of this out of one hog; there is not an excellenter fellow than himself; he shall, if he please, make ye a poll of ling of a sows tripe; a wood-culver of fat bacon; a turtle of a spring of pork; and a hen of a collar of brawn; and therefore of my own fancy, I gave him a name proper to him, for he is called Daedalus:  And because he understands his business, I had chopping-knives of the best steel brought him from Rome”; and with that, calling for them, he turn’d them over, and admiring them, offered us the liberty of trying their edge on his cheek.

On this came in two servants as quarrelling about their collars, at which each of them had a large earthen pot hanging; and when Trimalchio determined the matter between them, neither of them stood to his sentence, but fell to club-law, and broke each others pots.

This drunken presumption put us out of order; yet casting an eye on the combatants, we saw oisters and scallops running from the pots, and another boy receiving them in a charger, which he carried round the guests.

Nor was the cook’s ingenuity short of the rest, for he brought us a dish of grill’d snails on a silver gridiron, and with a shrill unpleasant voice, sang as he went.  I am asham’d of what follow’d; for, what was never heard of till then, the boys came in with a bason of liquid perfumes, and first binding our legs, ancles and feet, with garlands, anointed them with it, and put the rest into the wine vessel and the lamps.