“I cannot sleep,” sighed Stephanus; “if you love me go on with your story.”

“But do not interrupt me again then,” said Paulus, and he went on:  “With all this gay life I was not happy—­by no means.  When I was alone sometimes, and no longer sitting in the crowd of merry boon-companions and complaisant wenches, emptying the wine cup and crowned with poplar, I often felt as if I were walking on the brink of a dark abyss as if every thing in myself and around me were utterly hollow and empty.  I could stand gazing for hours at the sea, and as the waves rose only to sink again and vanish, I often reflected that I was like them, and that the future of my frivolous present must be a mere empty nothing.  Our gods were of little account with us.  My mother sacrificed now in one temple, and now in another, according to the needs of the moment; my father took part in the high festivals, but he laughed at the belief of the multitude, and my brother talked of the ‘Primaeval Unity,’ and dealt with all sorts of demons, and magic formulas.  He accepted the doctrine of Iamblichus, Ablavius, and the other Neoplatonic philosophers, which to my poor understanding seemed either superhumanly profound or else debasingly foolish; nevertheless my memory retains many of his sayings, which I have learned to understand here in my loneliness.  It is vain to seek reason outside ourselves; the highest to which we can attain is for reason to behold itself in us!  As often as the world sinks into nothingness in my soul, and I live in God only, and have Him, and comprehend Him, and feel Him only—­then that doctrine recurs to me.  How all these fools sought and listened everywhere for the truth which was being proclaimed in their very ears!  There were Christians everywhere about me, and at that time they had no need to conceal themselves, but I had nothing to do with them.  Twice only did they cross my path; once I was not a little annoyed when, on the Hippodrome, a Christian’s horses which had been blessed by a Nazarite, beat mine; and on another occasion it seemed strange to me when I myself received the blessing of an old Christian dock-laborer, having pulled his son out of the water.

“Years went on; my parents died.  My mother’s last glance was directed at me, for I had always been her favorite child.  They said too that I was like her, I and my sister Arsinoe, who, soon after my father’s death, married the Prefect Pompey.  At the division of the property I gave up to my brother the manufactories and the management of the business, nay even the house in the city, though, as the elder brother, I had a right to it, and I took in exchange the land near the Kanopic gate, and filled the stables there with splendid horses, and the lofts with not less noble wine.  This I needed, because I gave up the days to baths and contests in the arena, and the nights to feasting, sometimes at my own house, sometimes at a friend’s, and sometimes in the taverns of Kanopus, where the fairest Greek girls seasoned the feasts with singing and dancing.