Here Warren made a still longer pause than before, and appeared absorbed in gloomy thought.  At last he resumed in a lower tone: 

“I had not followed up Ellen’s invitation.  But in some way she had discovered my address, and knew of my illness.  Do not be alarmed, my dear Hermann; my story will not become romantic.  No heavenly vision appeared to me during my fever; I felt no gentle white hands laid on my burning brow.  I was nursed at the hospital, and very well nursed too; I figured there as ‘Number 380,’ and the whole affair was, as you see, as prosaic as possible.  But on quitting the hospital, and as I was taking leave of the manager, he handed me a letter, in which was enclosed a note for five hundred dollars.  In the envelope there was also the following anonymous note: 

“’An old friend begs your acceptance, as a loan, of the inclosed sum.  It will be time enough to think of paying off this debt when you are strong enough to resume work, and you can then do it by instalments, of which you can yourself fix the amount, and remit them to the hospital of New York.’

“It was well meant, no doubt, but it caused me a painful impression.  My determination was taken at once.  I refused without hesitation.  I asked the manager, who had been watching me with a friendly smile while I read the letter, whether he could give the name of the person who had sent it.  In spite of his repeated assurances that he did not know it, I never doubted for a single instant that he was concealing the truth.  After a few seconds’ reflection I asked if he would undertake to forward an answer to my unknown correspondent; and, on his consenting to do so, I promised that he should have my answer the next day.

“I thought long over my letter.  One thing was plain to me—­it was Ellen who had come to my help.  How could I reject her generous aid without wounding her or appearing ungrateful?  After great hesitation I wrote a few lines, which, as far as I can recollect, ran thus: 

“’I thank you for the interest you have shown me, but it is impossible for me to accept the sum you place at my disposal.  Do not be angry with me because I return it.  Do not withdraw your sympathy; I will strive to remain worthy of it, and will never forget your goodness.’

“A few days later, after having confided this letter to the manager, I left New York for San Francisco.  For several years I heard nothing of Ellen; her image grew gradually fainter, and at last almost disappeared from my memory.

“The dark river that bore the frail bark which carried me and my fortunes was carrying me smoothly and unconsciously along towards the mysterious abyss where all that exists is engulfed.  Its course lay through a vast desert; and the banks which passed before my eyes were of fearful sameness.  Indescribable lassitude took possession of my whole being.  I had never, knowingly, practised evil; I had loved and sought after good.  Why, then, was I so wretched?  I would have blessed the rock which wrecked my bark so that I might have been swallowed up and have gone down to my eternal rest.  Up to the day when I heard of Ellen’s betrothal, I had hoped that the morrow would bring happiness.  The long-wished-for morrow had come at last, gloomy and colorless, without realizing any of my vague hopes.  Henceforth my life was at an end.”