Paul’s people are very wealthy and his mother and sisters are very fashionable.  I am frightened of them, but I did not tell Paul so because I think it would hurt him and oh, I wouldn’t do that for the world.

There is nothing I wouldn’t suffer if it would do him any good.  I never thought any one could feel so.  I used to think if I loved anybody I would want him to do everything for me and wait on me as if I were a princess.  But that is not the way at all.  Love makes you very humble and you want to do everything yourself for the one you love.

August 10.

Paul went home to-day.  Oh, it is so terrible!  I don’t know how I can bear to live even for a little while without him.  But this is silly of me, because I know he has to go and he will write often and come to me often.  But, still, it is so lonesome.  I didn’t cry when he left me because I wanted him to remember me smiling in the way he liked best, but I have been crying ever since and I can’t stop, no matter how hard I try.  We have had such a beautiful fortnight.  Every day seemed dearer and happier than the last, and now it is ended and I feel as if it could never be the same again.  Oh, I am very foolish—­but I love him so dearly and if I were to lose his love I know I would die.

August 17.

I think my heart is dead.  But no, it can’t be, for it aches
too much.

Paul’s mother came here to see me to-day.  She was not angry or disagreeable.  I wouldn’t have been so frightened of her if she had been.  As it was, I felt that I couldn’t say a word.  She is very beautiful and stately and wonderful, with a low, cold voice and proud, dark eyes.  Her face is like Paul’s but without the loveableness of his.

She talked to me for a long time and she said terrible things—­terrible, because I knew they were all true.  I seemed to see everything through her eyes.  She said that Paul was infatuated with my youth and beauty but that it would not last and what else I to give him?  She said Paul must marry a woman of his own class, who could do honor to his fame and position.  She said that he was very talented and had a great career before him, but that if he married me it would ruin his life.

I saw it all, just as she explained it out, and I told her at last that I would not marry Paul, and she might tell him so.  But she smiled and said I must tell him myself, because he would not believe any one else.  I could have begged her to spare me that, but I knew it would be of no use.  I do not think she has any pity or mercy for any one.  Besides, what she said was quite true.

When she thanked me for being so reasonable I told her I was not doing it to please her, but for Paul’s sake, because I would not spoil his life, and that I would always hate her.  She smiled again and went away.

Oh, how can I bear it?  I did not know any one could suffer
like this!