ALL:  (Together.) Repeat that now.

PHIL:  (In terror.) I am the only man here ever had anything to do with your wife—­just like that. (An automobile horn heard.)

GIRLS:  Oh, here he is—­(They run off.  Business of men holding PHIL and finally rushing off as an enormous figure in Persian “get-up” enters.)

MRS. SCHUYLER:  (Picking up PHIL.) Benchie, it’s sweet and accommodating of you to die for these three gentlemen—­a favor I shan’t forget.  (From behind the Persian giant steps a midget in swell citizen clothes)—­“It’s Hamilton—­(Mrs. Schuyler picks him up and kisses him.) Oh, Hamilton-I’m so glad you’ve come. (Crossing to Persian.) And Nehmid Duckin—­it is an honor to have the prime minister with us.  I’ll go for a stroll with you and come back when (Turning to husband) you’re through with this gentleman.

NEHMID:  (In deep voice.) Is he the one?

MRS. SCHUYLER:  Yes—­you’re looking great. (Takes his arm.)

NEHMID:  So are you! (In deep tones to PHIL.) And now sir, you explain. (Exits with Mrs. Schuyler.) (PHIL stands in terror, thinking a powerful foe stands behind him.  In reality, it is the midget husband.  PHIL tries to talk.  At first he cannot.)

PHIL:  (After comedy biz.) I have a wife with an affair—­I mean an affair with your wife—­what have you to say about it?

MR. SCHUYLER:  (In piping voice.) I’m very angry. (PHIL starts—­looks up to see where voice comes from—­doesn’t see anyone—­walks and bumps into HAMILTON—­rolls up his sleeves.)

PHIL:  (Bravely.) What have you to say about it? (Slaps his hand over his mouth.) Don’t say a word—­I’ve been waiting for something like you to show up. (He backs HAMILTON off—­his hand on his face.)

FINALE:  (During this, ROSE enters in bridal costume to be wed to SHEIK.  Servant enters announcing his death from eating Persian Plums.

SONG:  “Who Sent These Persian Plums?”

Then, final meeting and happiness of lovers and comedy characters and picture as “My Little Persian Rose” is repeated for

CURTAIN

MY OLD KENTUCKY HOME

A BURLESQUE IN ONE ACT

BY
JAMES MADISON

Author of “Love Blossoms,” “Cohen from Bridgeport,”
“Before and After,” Monologues for Nat M. Wills,
Joe Welch, Etc., Etc., Author and Publisher
“Madison’s Budget.”

MY OLD KENTUCKY HOME CHARACTERS