COMEDIAN:  Nothing is the matter with me.

STRAIGHT:  With you always everything is the matter.

COMEDIAN:  What’s the trouble?

STRAIGHT:  The trouble is you don’t know nothing.

COMEDIAN:  Yes, I do.

STRAIGHT:  You know!  If I only knew one-half of what you don’t know,
I would know twice as much as the smartest man in the world.

COMEDIAN:  What you got against me?

STRAIGHT:  You ain’t a gentlemen.

COMEDIAN:  What is a gentlemen?

STRAIGHT:  A gentlemen is a man who knows how to act senseless vit people no matter vat happens.

COMEDIAN:  I am a gentlemen, I always act senseless.

STRAIGHT:  You are a gentlemen!  Look at you.  How can a man be a gentlemen with such a face like that.  There are two kinds of men—­gentlemen and rummies.  I am a gentlemen, you are a rummy.

COMEDIAN:  I am a rummy?  I know how to act vit people.  Ven you met your friends down the street, vat did you say to them?

STRAIGHT:  I said come on and have a drink.  I spoke like a gentlemen.

COMEDIAN:  And ve all vent to have a drink.

STRAIGHT:  Ve did.

COMEDIAN:  Didn’t I pay for it?

STRAIGHT:  Sure—­that shows you are a rummy.

COMEDIAN:  No, that shows I was a gentlemen.

STRAIGHT:  Dat’s right.  In a saloon you are a gentlemen.

COMEDIAN:  Sure I am.  I act just a bartender.

STRAIGHT:  But the trouble with you is you don’t know how to mingle.

COMEDIAN:  Oh, I can mingle.

STRAIGHT:  You don’t know the first thing about mingling.  As a mingler you are a flivver.  Among men you are all right, but as soon as I take you out to some parties and dinners and you see some women around, your brains get loose.

COMEDIAN:  Why—­what do I do?

STRAIGHT:  It makes no resemblance what you do or what you say.  No matter how you do it—­no matter how you say it, the women get insulted.  You ain’t got the least consumtion how to be disagreeable to the ladies.

COMEDIAN:  Oh, I know how to be disagreeable to a lady.  You ought to hear me talk to my wife.

STRAIGHT:  To your wife?  Any man can be disagreeable to his wife.  But tink of other women—­the trouble with you is, you have no, as the French people say, you have no savoir faire.

COMEDIAN:  No what?

STRAIGHT:  I say that you ain’t got no, what the French people call, savoir faire.

COMEDIAN:  What’s dot?

STRAIGHT:  Savoir faire.

COMEDIAN:  Oh, I can salve for fair.

STRAIGHT:  You can salve for fair; yes, but you ain’t got no savoir faire.  You are not a mingler.  You have no vit, no humor.  You ain’t got no esprit.

COMEDIAN:  Vere do you get all dose words?