“It affords me no small pleasure that you can bear witness of what you have seen; for although this misfortune may not comport with my dignity as a minister sent to preserve friendly relations with a savage king, you will at least say it was an enterprise that tested the quality of my metal.  As I have always said, a man had better stick to his functions; for if he mount strange horses, his head may prove so wanting in brain that he will certainly fall to the ground a great fool.  But you have seen enough to satisfy you of my courage, and now I must hasten to my secretary, who is no small man, though unaccustomed to the perils we soldiers know so well how to enjoy.”  So making them a bow, the general proceeded to Mr. Tickler’s cabin, where he found that gentleman busily engaged over a pot of Rushton’s pomade, which, together with two bottles of Lubin’s double extract, had been presented to him by the officers, as a balm to heal his injured dignity.  “This is no joke, your excellency,” said the discomfited critic; “you may smile at a man with his beard full of tar; but let your excellency just try it with his own, and I wager he’ll wish the devil had it before he gets it restored.”  The general laid his hand on Mr. Tickler’s arm, encouragingly, and replied, “Friend Tickler, heaven has given you a good understanding, and it comforts me that you take this little affair no worse.”

“How much worse your excellency would have it I know not.  And it occurs to my mind that this mauling and scraping is no part of my mission.  I am not a malefactor, but a man sent abroad to serve his country, which it is my intention to do faithfully, if only they leave my dignity undamaged.”

“It’s not every one thinks so well of his dignity, friend Tickler,” interposed the general.

“I am glad your excellency speaks in this way; for if a man bring his dignity to an end, pray what use is he to his country?”

“There your philosophy is at fault, Tickler; for many’s the man now in the service of his country who has not so much dignity as my horse Battle.  Console yourself, sir, and remember that hardships are the prop-sticks of a rising man’s glory.  And having borne your part in this ceremony with such consummate fortitude, you must know that the officers set you down for a terrible fellow.”

“Let them practice their pranks on some one else, or by the saints they shall suffer for it.  But tell me, your excellency, is it a custom with secretaries to trick their landlords, undergo these batterings and bruisings, and go for weeks without a shilling?  If it be, Orlando Tickler returns to his profession of a critic!  And to tell you the truth, sir, it is not clear to me of whom I am to get pay for my services at this outlandish court.  But pray where is this Kalorama? for I have puzzled my brain over it not a little.  And while you are about it, please enlighten me further on the benefits this mission of yours will bestow upon mankind, that I may be instructed while I am getting this grease and tar out of my beard.”