“Lord bless me! why, the name is familiar enough, God knows; and it’ll not be sayin’ much to tell you that my own name is Orlando Tickler, a critic who has fame enough in New York, and of whom I take it you have heard mention.”

“Permit me to say, sir, that I am truly happy to meet one so distinguished.  As for the name, a household word was never more familiar to me.”  They now shook each other warmly by the hand, and after exchanging numerous compliments, took seats, and commenced to converse freely upon various subjects connected with the affairs of the Union.  And when they were agreed exactly as to its disorders, and had fifty different remedies they were ready to apply whenever the nation demanded their services, Mr. Stretcher said to Mr. Tickler, “And now, sir, as I am a man fond of rendering service to persons in need, I am come (according to the rules of courtesy) to pay my respects to the general, of whom it is reported that he is come to Washington in search of an important mission.  It gives me infinite pleasure, however, to meet his secretary.  Now I would suggest to the general that I may be of great service to him, for I am a correspondent of not less than five newspapers, and can make the Administration do my bidding.”

“Faith,” ejaculatated Mr. Tickler, in reply, “I am glad enough to hear what you say, for my master has need enough of your services to get the mission; and I may tell you in confidence that I have much cause of despairing, for although I know but little of my master, except what I get through the newspapers, I already begin to see that he is simpleton enough for anything, and no little of a knave.”

“You astonish me!” interrupted Mr. Stretcher, thoughtfully.

“Faith of my father,” resumed Tickler, folding his arms, “I see nothing to be astonished at, for I take it any simpleton may set up for a statesman, and if he have but a fair mixture of the knave to throw in, he may carry the gifts of the government in his breeches pockets; also, if the devil do not carry him off in one of his pranks, he will no doubt distinguish himself as a foreign minister.”  Here Mr. Tickler paused for a moment, and then bid the gentleman of the five newspapers, and all the administration, to remember that these remarks were made in confidence.

“I confess, Mr. Tickler,” replied Mr. Stretcher, “I admire your plain manner of speech.  But you surprise and astonish me with what you say of the soundness of the general’s understanding.  In truth, sir, though I know something of the arts practiced by editors in making famous politicians, I had read a speech or two made by the general and upon the wisdom therein contained set him down for a profound scholar, and no small statesman.  However, this I will say, and pledge my reputation on the truth of it, that if he be no scholar, but simply an unmitigated mixture of Jew and simpleton, it will rather improve than damage his prospects for the best foreign mission in the gift of the government.  Do not mistake me, sir; for I would not say a damaging word of our excellent President, whose too great goodness of heart may account for his lack of discretion; but he has a passion for bestowing gifts on Jews and simpletons, of which history affords no example!”