“Really, sir,” replied the general with a smile, “you talk like a gentleman of profound wisdom.  I perhaps ought to tell you, that a clever young gentleman, who did me the service I desire of you, being ambitious, left me, and set up for a lawyer.  And it was in vain I promisd him a seat in Congress in two years, if he would remain with me.  It is also said of him, that he has taken to writing my history, which an honest bookseller has engaged to publish out of sheer respect to the severe and very uncharitable things he had said of me and my wife, Polly Potter.”  The general now begged Mr. Tickler to give him a more detailed account of these critics, of whom he he had spoken so strangely.

“Faith, sir, it gives me pleasure to impart knowledge to others,” rejoined Mr. Tickler; “and as I have no great love for any of them, I will, to be brief, tell you that you may divide them under four heads:  The wise critics, the fashionable society critics, the correspondent critics, and the critics at large.  The wise critic is generally a dilapidated parson, who, having vacated the pulpit for want of morals, brings into literature the spirit of the viper, which he manifests toward his brother craftsmen with peculiar unction.  He preserves a sort of clerical air, wears a white neckcloth, spectacles, and a shabby coat; and in addition to foul linen, he has a great passion for sending poets and novel writers to the devil.  He affects to despise a literature not well savored with religious sentiment, but will at times condescend to lavish unmeasured praise upon a book of loose morals.  The wise critic generally has lodging with some pious lady in Fourth Street, breakfasts on rolls and coffee at Peteler’s, dines three times a week with his female literary friends, and for the rest takes rice and milk at Savery’s, in Beekman Street.  Being literary editor of two or more daily papers, publishers hold him in great respect, and employ him at reading the novels of ambitious school girls, which he will aid them in cramming down the spacious throat of the public.  It would not do to offer a wise critic pay for his services; but the accepting of presents he regards in the light of exchanges of love between a friend served and a friend admired.  He has numerous affairs of ceremony with gifted widows, who write very excellent sensation books in behalf of downtrodden humanity, and who never fail to express their admiration of his great learning; and this high consideration he repays with ponderous eulogies on their books.  His carping he reserves for the devil, and such authors as Prescott, Bryant, and Longfellow.