’Your loving

‘J.  C. P.’

Coley was thus already serving a vigorous apprenticeship in pastoral work, while preparing himself for receiving deacon’s orders.  It was a trying time both to his family and himself, for, as before said, his standard was very high, and his own strong habit of self-contemplation made his dissatisfaction with himself manifest in his manner to those nearest to him.  He was always gentle and unselfish; not showing temper, but unhappiness.

Here are letters showing a good deal of his state of mind:  the first only dated ‘Saturday evening,’ but evidently written about this time, in reply to the cautions with which his sister had replied to the above letter of eager plans of improvement.

’My dearest Fan,—­Your letter has just reached me from Honiton, and I have read it with very great interest.  I liked it better on a second perusal of it, which showed in itself that I wanted it, for it is quite true that I require to be reminded of the only true principle upon which one ought to work; and I allow quite willingly that I trace interested motives—­e.g., love of self-approval or applause in actions where such feelings ought least of all to enter.  I certainly did feel pleased with myself for speaking plainly to those people, and I often find myself indulging the notion that I am going to be a very hard-working clergyman, with a remedy for all the evils of the age, &c.  If I was to hunt about for an excuse, I might perhaps find one, by saying that I am in that state of mind which attends always, I suppose, the anticipation of any great crisis in a person’s life; sometimes hard work and hard thought, sometimes (though alas! very seldom) a real sense of the very awful responsibility of ministering in the Church, sometimes a less natural urging of the mind to contemplate and realise this responsibility.  I was for some time reading Wilberforce’s new book, and this involved an examination of the question in other writers; but lately I have laid all controversial works aside almost entirely, and have been reading Pearson, Bull, and the Apostolical Fathers, Clement and Ignatius.  I shall probably read Justin Martyr’s Apologies, and some treatises of Tertullian before next month is over.  I have read some part already.  There is such a very strong practical element in these very early writings that they ought to soothe and calm the mind; but I cannot honestly conceal the fact that the theological interest for the most part outweighs the practical teaching.

’My light reading is of a new and very amusing and interesting character—­viz., books on school economy, management of school farms, allotments, the modern dairy, spade husbandry, agricultural chemistry.  K, W, F, C, and G, and I have great talks; and as they all agree with me, I think them capital judges.

’I don’t think at all that my present state of mind is quite natural.  You quite repeat my own words when you say it is transitory.  A calm undisturbed spirit of prayer and peace and contentment is a great gift of God, and to be waited for with patience.  The motto of “The Christian Year” is very beautiful.  I sent the roses on Tuesday.  My best love to dear Father and Joan.