....  There are but two kinds of temporary insanity, and each has but a single symptom.  The one was discovered by a coroner, the other by a lawyer.  The one induces you to kill yourself when you are unwell of life; the other persuades you to kill somebody else when you are fatigued of seeing him about.

....  People who honour their fathers and their mothers have the comforting promise that their days shall be long in the land.  They are not sufficiently numerous to make the life assurance companies think it worth their while to offer them special rates.

....  There are people who dislike to die, for apparently no better reason than that there are a few vices they have not had the time to try; but it must be confessed that the fewer there are of these untasted sweets, the more loth are they to leave them.

....  Men ought to sin less in petty details, and more in the lump; that they might the more conveniently be brought to repentance when they are ready.  They should imitate the touching solicitude of the lady for the burglar, whom she spares much trouble by keeping her jewels well together in a box.

....  I once knew a man who made me a map of the opposite hemisphere of the moon.  He was crazy.  I knew another who taught me what country lay upon the other side of the grave.  He was a most acute thinker-as he had need to be.

....  Those who are horrified at Mr. Darwin’s theory, may comfort themselves with the assurance that, if we are descended from the ape, we have not descended so far as to preclude all hope of return.

....  There is more poison in aphorisms than in painted candy; but it is of a less seductive kind.

....  If it were as easy to invent a credible falsehood as it is to believe one, we should have little else in print.  The mechanical construction of a falsehood is a matter of the gravest import.

....  There is just as much true pleasure in walloping one’s own wife as in the sinful enjoyment of another man’s right.  Heaven gives to each man a wife, and intends that he shall cleave to her alone.  To cleave is either to “split” or to “stick.”  To cleave to your wife is to split her with a stick.

....  A strong mind is more easily impressed than a weak one:  you shall not as readily convince a fool that you are a philosopher, as a philosopher that you are a fool.

....  In our intercourse with men, their national peculiarities and customs are entitled to consideration.  In addressing the common Frenchman take off your hat; in addressing the common Irishman make him take off his.

....  It is nearly always untrue to say of a man that he wishes to leave a great property behind him when he dies.  Usually he would like to take it along.

....  Benevolence is as purely selfish as greed.  No one would do a benevolent action if he knew it would entail remorse.

....  If cleanliness is next to godliness, it is a matter of unceasing wonder that, having gone to the extreme limit of the former, so many people manage to stop short exactly at the line of demarcation.