“Iv coorse I won’t say ‘twas always th’ spirit iv advinture led me into these gallant acts.  If I must tell ye th’ thruth I’ve gin’rally took less intherest in th’ advinture itself thin in th’ reward.  I’m always a little hazy about th’ details iv how I saved th’ girl fr’m th’ rapids iv Niagra whin I can’t swim, or how I happened to hit th’ tiger in th’ eye whin I’m so afraid iv firearms, or how I stopped th’ runaway team whin I know that th’ other day whin th’ milkman’s horse broke loose th’ best I cud do was run to th’ edge iv th’ sidewalk an’ wring me hands an’ yell:  “Whoa!” But th’ grateful millyonaire is always distinct.  I can always hear th’ cheers iv th’ crowd as I come dhrippin’ fr’m th’ wather.  Though th’ raison I happened to be ladin’ me rig’mint up th’ hill iv San Joon is not clear to me now, I can plainly see mesilf returnin’ fr’m th’ war, bronzed and weather-beaten, settin’ erect on me horse an’ respondin’ to th’ frantic cheers iv th’ multichood with a slight bow.  I always used to lose an arm or part iv an arm, but I’ve larned that isn’t nicess’ry.

“An’ where have all these advintures occurred, d’ye say?  Well, some iv th’ most feerocyous iv thim happened in me bedroom, an’ some on th’ front stoop iv th’ house on warm moonlight nights, but most iv thim here in this room in front iv th’ fire.  Be rights th’ walls ought to be dic’rated with moose antlers, tigers’ heads, diplomas, soords, votes iv Congress, medals an’ autygrafted pitchers iv th’ crowned heads iv Europe.  Th’ best advintures anny iv us has is at home in a comf’rtable room—­th’ mos’ excitin’ an’ th’ asiest.  Ye can make ye’ersilf as brave as ye want an’ as cool, ye avide mussin’ ye’er clothes, ye flavor with danger to suit th’ taste, an’ ye get a good dale more applause an’ get it quicker thin th’ other kind iv hayro.  F’r manny years I’ve shot all me tigers fr’m this rockin’ chair.”

Rights and Privileges of Women

“Woman’s rights?  What does a woman want iv rights whin she has priv’leges?  Rights is th’ last thing we get in this wurruld.  They’re th’ nex’ things to wrongs.  They’re wrongs tur-ned inside out.  We have th’ right to be sued f’r debt instead iv lettin’ the bill run, which is a priv’lege.  We have th’ right to thrile be a jury iv our peers, a right to pay taxes an’ a right to wurruk.  None iv these things is anny good to me.  They’se no fun in thim.  All th’ r-rights I injye I don’t injye.  I injye th’ right to get money, but I niver have had anny money to spind.  Th’ constichooshion guarantees me th’ right to life, but I die; to liberty, but if I thry bein’ too free I’m locked up; an’ to th’ pursoot iv happiness, but happiness has th’ right to run whin pursood, an’ I’ve niver been able to three her yet.  Here I am at iver-so-manny years iv age blown an’ exhausted be th’ chase, an’ happiness is still able to do her hundhred yards in tin minyits flat whin I approach.  I’d give all th’ rights I read about for wan priv-lege.  If I cud go to sleep th’ minyit I go to bed I wudden’t care who done me votin’.