anny kind iv information ye want to in ye’er fav’rite newspaper about ye’ersilf or annywan else.  What th’ Czar whispered to th’ Imp’ror Willum whin they were alone, how to make a silk hat out iv a wire matthress, how to settle th’ coal sthrike, who to marry, how to get on with ye’er wife whin ye’re married, what to feed th’ babies, what doctor to call whin ye’ve fed thim as directed,—­all iv that ye’ll find in th’ pa-apers.

“They used to say a man’s life was a closed book.  So it is but it’s an open newspaper.  Th’ eye iv th’ press is on ye befure ye begin to take notice.  Th’ iditor obsarves th’ stork hoverin’ over th’ roof iv 2978 1/2 B Ar-rchey Road an’ th’ article he writes about it has a wink in it.  ‘Son an’ heir arrives f’r th’ Hon’rable Malachi Hinnissy,’ says th’ pa-aper befure ye’ve finished th’ dhrink with th’ doctor.  An’ afther that th’ histhry iv th’ offspring’s life is found in th’ press: 

“‘It is undhershtud that there is much excitement in th’ Hinnissy fam’ly over namin’ th’ lates’ sign.  Misther Hinnissy wishes it called Pathrick McGlue afther an uncle iv his, an’ Mrs. Hinnissy is in favor iv namin’ it Alfonsonita afther a Pullman car she seen wan day.  Th’ Avenin Fluff offers a prize iv thirty dollars f’r th’ bes’ name f’r this projeny.  Maiden ladies will limit their letters to three hundherd wurruds.’

“’Above is a snap shot iv young Alfonsonita McGlue Hinnissy, taken on his sicond birthday with his nurse, Miss Angybel Blim, th’ well-known specyal nurse iv th’ Avenin’ Fluff.  At th’ time th’ phottygraft was taken, th’ infant was about to bite Miss Blim which accounts f’r th’ agynized exprission on that gifted writer’s face.  Th’ Avenin Fluff offers a prize iv four dollars to th’ best answer to th’ question:  “What does th’ baby think iv Miss Blim?"’

“‘Young Alf Hinnissy was siven years ol’ yisterdah.  A rayporther iv th’ Fluff sought him out an’ indeavored to intherview him on th’ Nicaragooan Canal, th’ Roomanyan Jews, th’ tahriff an’ th’ thrusts.  Th’ comin’ statesman rayfused to be dhrawn on these questions, his answer bein’ a ready, “Go chase ye’ersilf, ye big stiff!” Afther a daylightful convarsation th’ rayporther left, bein’ followed to th’ gate be his janial young host who hit him smartly in th’ back with a brick.  He is a chip iv th’ ol’ block.’

“’Groton, Conn., April 8.  Ye’er rayporther was privileged to see th’ oldest son iv th’ Hon’rable Malachi Hinnissy started at this siminary f’r th’ idjacation iv young Englishmen bor-rn in America.  Th’ heir iv th’ Hinnissys was enthered at th’ exclusive school thirty years befure he was bor-rn.  Owin’ to th’ uncertainty iv his ancesthors he was also enthered at Vassar.  Th’ young fellow took a lively intherest in th’ school.  Th’ above phottygraft riprisints him mathriculatin’.  Th’ figures at th’ foot ar-re Misther an’ Mrs. Hinnissy.  Those at th’ head ar-re Profissor Peabody Plantagenet, prisident iv th’ instichoochion an’ Officer Michael H. Rafferty.  Young Hinnissy will remain here till he has a good cukkin’ idjacation.’