“They was all our frinds an’ yet on’y wan iv thim was our frind.  How d’ye make it out, Hinnissy?  Hogan has a sayin’ that onaisy lies th’ head that wears a crown, but it seems to be as aisy f’r some iv thim as f’r th’ mos’ dimmycratic American.  But whoiver it was that saved us I’m thankful to thim.  It won’t do f’r ye to look at th’ map an’ say that th’ pow’rful protictin’ nation wud be hardly big enough f’r a watch charm f’r a man fr’m Texas, or that Europeen assistance f’r America is about as useful as a crutch f’r a foot-runner.  But f’r th’ inthervention iv our unknown frind, we’d’ve been annihilated.  Th’ powers wud’ve got together an’ they wud’ve sint over a fleet that wud’ve been turrble if it didn’t blow up an’ th’ crews didn’t get sea-sick.  They wud’ve sint an irresistible ar-rmy; an’ fin’ly if all else failed, they wud rayfuse food.  That’s goin’ to be th’ unsixpicted blow iv anny war that th’ parishes iv Europe wages again’ us.  They will decline to eat.  They will turn back our wheat an’ pork an’ short rib sides.  They’ll starve us out.  If left to their own resoorces, Europe cud outstarve America in a month.”

“I’m not afraid iv thim,” said Mr. Hennessy.  “Whin I was a young man, I cud take a runnin’ jump acrost Germany or France, an’ as f’r England we’d hardly thrip over it in th’ dark.”

“Perhaps ye’re right,” said Mr. Dooley.  “But if all thim gr-reat powers, as they say thimsilves, was f’r to attack us, d’ye know what I’d do?  I’ll tell ye.  I’d blockade Armour an’ Comp’ny an’ th’ wheat ilivators iv Minnysoty.  F’r, Hinnissy, I tell ye, th’ hand that rocks th’ scales in th’ grocery store, is th’ hand that rules th’ wurruld.”

The Philippine Peace

“‘Tis sthrange we don’t hear much talk about th’ Ph’lippeens,” said Mr. Hennessy.

“Ye ought to go to Boston,” said Mr. Dooley.  “They talk about it there in their sleep.  Th’ raison it’s not discussed annywhere else is that ivrything is perfectly quiet there.  We don’t talk about Ohio or Ioway or anny iv our other possissions because they’se nawthin’ doin’ in thim parts.  Th’ people ar-re goin’ ahead, garnerin’ th’ products iv th’ sile, sindin’ their childher to school, worshipin’ on Sundah in th’ churches an’ thankin’ Hiven f’r th’ blessin’s iv free govermint an’ th’ pro-tiction iv th’ flag above thim.

“So it is in th’ Phi’lippeens.  I know, f’r me frind Gov’nor Taft says so, an’ they’se a man that undherstands con-tintmint whin he sees it.  Ye can’t thrust th’ fellows that comes back fr’m th’ jools iv th’ Passyfic an’ tells ye that things ar-re no betther thin they shud be undher th’ shade iv th’ cocoanut palm be th’ blue wathers iv th’ still lagoon.  They mus’ be satisfied with our rule.  A man that isn’t satisfied whin he’s had enough is a glutton.  They’re satisfied an’ happy an’ slowly but surely they’re acquirin’ that love f’r th’ govermint that floats over thim that will make thim good citizens without a vote or a right to thrile be jury.  I know it.  Guv’nor Taft says so.