is where America used to be.”  Whin war was first discussed, mesilf an’ th’ rest iv th’ fam’ly met an’ decided that unless prompt action was took, our cousins an’ invistmints acrost th’ sea wud be damaged beyond repair, so we cabled our ambassadure to go at wanst to th’ White House an’ inform th’ prisidint that we wud regard th’ war as a crool blot on civilization an’ an offinse to th’ intillygince iv mankind.  I am glad to say our inthervintion was iffycacious.  War was immeedjately declared.  I will not tell ye how high our hearts beat as we r-read th’ news fr’m day to day.  Ye know.  I will on’y say that we insthructed our ambassadure to do ivrything in his power to help our kinsmen an’ he faithfully ixicuted his ordhers.  He practically lived at th’ White House durin’ th’ thryin’ peeryod, an’ his advice to th’ prisidint such as:  “If ye go on with this binnyficint war th’ United Powers will knock ye’er head off,” or “I think I can secure fav’rable terms fr’m th’ Powers if ye will abdicate in favor iv a riprisintative iv th’ house iv Bourbon an’ cede New England to Spain,” done more thin annything else to put heart into th’ American foorces.  I will add that durin’ this time we was approached be an ambassadure iv wan iv th’ powers who ast us to inthervene.  I will not say which power it was, excipt that it was Austhrya-Hungary an’ I’m previnted be th’ obligations iv me office fr’m mintionin’ what powers was behind th’ move beyond hintin’ that they was as follows:  Germany, France, Rooshya, It’ly, China, Turkey, Monaco, San Marino, Boolgahrya, Montinaygro, Booloochistan an’ Pershya.  Pah’s reply to th’ ambassadure was:  “I will do all I can” as he kicked him down stairs.  It ill becomes me to say what else we done f’r that home iv freedom—­an’ hiven knows I wisht it’d stay there an’ not be wandherin’ over th’ face iv th’ wurruld—­but I’m not proud iv me looks an’ I will remark that Tiddy Rosenfelt was capably directed be th’ iditors iv England, thim hearts iv oak, that th’ American navy was advised be our mos’ inargetic corryspondints an’ that, to make th’ raysult certain, we lint a few British gin’rals to th’ Spanish.  Cud frindship go farther?  As they say in America:  “I reckon, be gosh, not."’

“Well, whin I read this speech I was prepared to hang th’ medal f’r savin’ life on th’ breasts iv th’ hands acrost th’ sea where there’s always plinty iv hooks f’r medals.  But th’ nex’ day, I picks up th’ pa-aper an’ sees that ’twas not England done it but Germany.  Yes, sir, ’twas Germany.  Germany was our on’y frind.  They was a time whin it looked as though she was goin’ to shoot at us to keep us fr’m th’ consequences iv our rash act.  They’se nawthin’ Germany wudden’t do for or to a frind.  Yes, it was Germany.  But it was France, too.  La Belle France was there with a wurrud iv encouragemint an’ a glance iv affection out iv her dark eyes that kep’ growin’ darker as th’ war proceeded.  An’ it was Rooshya.  Whin th’ Czar heerd iv th’ war, th’ first thing he said was:  ’I’m so sorry.  Who is th’ United States?’ ‘An’ ‘twas It’ly an’ Booloochistan an’ Boolgahrya an’ even Spain.  Spain was our frind till th’ war was over.  Thin she rounded on us an’ sold us th’ Ph’lippines.