iv public office is far higher thin that, I thank hivin.  Besides in th’ case ye speak iv ‘twas justifiable homicide.  He had ast th’ man to dhrink with him.  No, sir, I have examined his record carefully an’ I find him fully equipped f’r anny emergency.  He niver misses.  He’s th’ man f’r th’ place, th’ quick dhrawin’, readily passionate, hammerless gun firin’ Terror iv th’ Great Desert.’

“But th’ Sinit didn’t approve iv him.  Th’ sinitor fr’m Matsachoosetts, where human life is held so cheap that no wan thinks iv takin’ it, pro-tested again’ him, an’ ’twas fin’lly discovered that early in his career he’d been caught runnin’ off a bunch iv cows an’ pushed into jail, an’ that was too much f’r th’ hon’rable body, hardly wan member iv which has iver been caught.  So they give Jake th’ go-by.

“But it’ll come out all right in th’ end.  Th’ prisidint knows what th’ West wants an’ he ‘ll get it f’r thim.  Th’ West is no effete community, where th’ folks likes a quiet book-keepin’ life, an early supper, a game iv cards, lock th’ windy, wind th’ clock an’ so to bed.  That may do f’r th’ East.  But in th’ West, we demand Sthrenuse Life an’ Sudden Death.  We’re people out here on th’ des’late plains where th’ sun sets pink acrost th’ gray desert an’ th’ scorpion clings to th’ toe.  We don’t want pianny tuners or plasther saints to govern us.  We want men who go to bed with their spurs on, an’ can break a gun without spikin’ their thumbs.  We’ll have thim too.  Undher precedin’ administhrations, th’ job wint to th’ la-ads with no more qualifications thin is needed to run a dairy lunch.  Some iv th’ bes’ places in th’ West is held be th’ poorest shots, while men capable iv th’ mos’ sthrikin’ gun plays is left to devote their talents to private functions.  An’ they call that th’ merit system!  I expict th’ time is near at hand whin justice will be done thim worthy citizens.  At prisint whin a man is needed f’r a govermint office, he is called on to set down with a sheet of pa-aper an’ a pot iv ink an’ say how manny times eight-an’-a-half will go into a line dhrawn fr’m th’ base iv th’ hypothenoose, an’ if he makes th’ answer bright an’ readable, they give him a place administherin’ th’ affairs iv a proud people that cudden’t tell a hypothenoose fr’m a sea-lion.  But whin things gets goin’ right undher this administhration, th’ civil sarvice commission consistin’ iv th’ Hon. Bill Cody, th’ Hon. Texas Jack, an’ th’ Hon. Bat Masterson will put th’ boys through an examination that’ll bring out all there is in thim.  I’m preparin’ a pa-aper f’r an examination iv candydates f’r sup’rintindint iv th’ Smithsonyan Institoot: 

“1.  Describe a round-up.

“2.  Name five iv th’ best brands (a) cattle (b) whiskey, ye have used.

“3.  Afther makin’ a cinch, is it proper f’r to always kick th’ critter in th’ stomach or on’y whin ye feel like it?

“4.  Undher what circumstances shud a Mexican not be shot, and if so, why?