“Well,” said Mr. Hennessy, “divvle th’ bit I care, on’y I’m here first, an’ I ought to have th’ right to keep th’ bus fr’m bein’ overcrowded.”

“Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “as a pilgrim father on me gran’ nephew’s side, I don’t know but ye’re right.  An’ they’se wan sure way to keep thim out.”

“What’s that?” asked Mr. Hennessy.

“Teach thim all about our instichoochions befure they come,” said Mr. Dooley.

White House Discipline

“Where did ye spind th’ New Year’s?” asked Mr. Dooley.

“I didn’t go to th’ White House rayciption,” said Mr. Hennessy, pleasantly.

“I see ye didn’t,” said Mr. Doolcy.  “Ye’er ar-rm is not in a sling.  Man an’ boy, Hinnissy, I’ve taken manny a chanst on me life, but I’d as lave think iv declarin’ th’ sintimints iv me heart in an Orange meetin’ as dhroppin’ in f’r a socyal call at what Hogan calls th’ ixicutive mansion.  That is, if I was a govermint emplyee, which I ain’t, havin’ been born wrong.

“Th’ time was whin a man lost his job an’ his heart to th’ prisidint at th’ same time.  A reproof was administhered to him with chloryform.  He woke up an’ rubbed his eyes an’ says, ‘Where am I?’ an’ th’ polisman says:  ‘Ye’re in an ash bar’l.’  He come fr’m th’ White House with tears in his eyes an’ was tol’ he was out iv wurruk.  But, Hinnissy, th’ prisint occypant iv th’ White House is a heartier person.  A reproof fr’m him is th’ same thing as a compound fracture.  A wurrud iv caution will lay a man up f’r a week an’ a severe riprimand will sind him through life with a wooden leg.

“There was me frind, Gin’ral Miles.  No more gallant sojer iver dhrew his soord to cut out a patthern f’r a coat thin Gin’ral Miles.  He’s hunted th’ Apachy, th’ Sioux, th’ Arapahoo, th’ Comanchee, th’ Congressman an’ other savages iv th’ plain; he’s faced death an’ promotion in ivry form, an’ no harm come to him till he wint up th’ White House stairs or maybe ’twas till he come down.  Annyhow, Gin’ral Miles was pursooin’ th’ thrue coorse iv a nachral warryor an’ enlightenin’ th’ wurruld on th’ things he happened to think iv.  ’Tis what is ixpicted iv him.  If ye don’t read him ye don’t know what’s goin’ on in th’ wurruld.  Ivry Sundah I pick up me pa-aper an’ hurry through th’ articles on what’s a suitable Christmas gift f’r th’ hired girl who’ll pizen th’ soup if she gets three yards iv calico, be Winnyfield Scott Schley, an’ what ought to be done f’r th’ Chinee, be Cap.  Mahan, an’ get down to what Gin’ral Miles thinks.  ‘Tis always good an’ full iv meaty advice.  ’Is Mars inhabited?’ ‘Th’ future iv th’ Columbya river salmon,’ ’Is white lead good f’r th’ complexion?’ ’What wud I do if I had a millyion dollars an’ it was so,’ ’England’s supreemacy in Cochin China,’ ‘Pink gaiters as a necissity iv warfare,’ ‘Is th’ Impire shouldhers goin’ out?’ ‘Waist measurements iv warriors I have met,’ an’ so on.  Gin’ral Miles is th’ on’y in-an’-out, up an’ down, catch-as-catch-can, white, red or black, with or without, journylist we have left.  On anny subject fr’m stove polish to sun worship, I’d take th’ wurrud iv me frind Gin’ral Miles befure th’ man that made th’ goods.