“So I tell ye, Hinnissy, if I was a young an’ ambitious American painther, I’d go to Europe.  Whin Hannigan was over there, he met a young man that painted that fine head iv Murphy that looks so much like Casey that hangs in Schwartzmeister’s back room.  ’Ar-re ye still at th’ art?’ says Hannigan.  ‘I am,’ says th’ young man.  ‘How does it go?’ asks Hannigan.  ‘I’ve more thin I can do,’ says th’ young man.  ’Since steel rails got so high, I’ve had to hire an assistant.  Ye see, I didn’t get on in Chicago.  Me “Bridgepoort in a Fog” was th’ on’y pitcher I sold, an’ a sausage mannyfacthrer bought that because his facthry was in it.  I come over here, an’ so’s me pitchers will have a fair show, I sign annywan’s name ye want to thim.  Ye’ve heerd iv Michael Angelo?  That’s me.  Ye’ve heerd iv Gainsborough?  That’s me.  Ye’ve heerd iv Millet, th’ boy that painted th’ pitcher give away with th’ colored supplimint iv th’ Sundah Howl?  That’s me.  Yis, sir, th’ rale name iv near ivry distinguished painther iv modhren times is Remsen K. Smith.  Whin ye go home, if ye see a good painther an’ glazier that’d like a job as assistant Rimbrandt f’r th’ American thrade, sind him to me.  F’r,’ he says, ‘th’ on’y place an American artist can make a livin’ is here.  Charity f’r artists,’ he says, ‘begins abroad,’ he says.”

“Well,” said Mr. Hennessy, “perhaps a bum Europeen pitcher is betther thin a good American pitcher.”

“Perhaps so,” said Mr. Dooley.  “I think it is so.  Annyhow, no matther how bad a painther he is, annywan that can get money out iv an American millyionaire is an artist an’ desarves it.  There’s th’ rale art.  I wish it was taught in th’ schools.  I’d like to see an exhibition at th’ Museem with ’Check iv American Gintleman, dhrawn fr’m life,’ hung on th’ wall.”

Immigration

“Well, I see Congress has got to wurruk again,” said Mr. Dooley.

“The Lord save us fr’m harm,” said Mr. Hennessy.

“Yes, sir,” said Mr. Dooley, “Congress has got to wurruk again, an’ manny things that seems important to a Congressman ’ll be brought up befure thim.  ’Tis sthrange that what’s a big thing to a man in Wash’nton, Hinnissy, don’t seem much account to me.  Divvle a bit do I care whether they dig th’ Nicaragoon Canal or cross th’ Isthmus in a balloon; or whether th’ Monroe docthrine is enfoorced or whether it ain’t; or whether th’ thrusts is abolished as Teddy Rosenfelt wud like to have thim or encouraged to go on with their neefaryous but magnificent entherprises as th’ Prisidint wud like; or whether th’ water is poured into th’ ditches to reclaim th’ arid lands iv th’ West or th’ money f’r thim to fertilize th’ arid pocket-books iv th’ conthractors; or whether th’ Injun is threated like a depindant an’ miserable thribesman or like a free an’ indepindant dog; or whether we restore th’ merchant marine to th’ ocean or whether we lave it to restore itsilf.  None iv these here questions inthrests me, an’ be me I mane you an’ be you I mane ivrybody.  What we want to know is, ar-re we goin’ to have coal enough in th’ hod whin th’ cold snap comes; will th’ plumbin’ hold out, an’ will th’ job last.