“At th’ conclusion iv th’ eatin’ th’ chairman, Sir Morse Cheeseshop inthrajooced th’ sicrety iv state in a few well chosen wurruds.  ‘Fellow Colonists,’ says he, ’I desire to presint His Majesty’s ripresentative in this counthry who is doin’ more thin anny other man in th’ plastherin’ business,’ he says.  ‘Owin’,’ he says, ’to mimbers iv th’ Sinit lavin’ a hod iv bricks fall on his head recently, he has not been able to do much on th’ job,’ he says.  ‘But he has brought his throwel and morthar here to-night an’ if ye will kindly lave off singing’ “Brittanya rules th’ prosperity wave” f’r a minyit he’ll give ye an exhibition iv how he wurruks.  Me Lords an’ gintlemen, th’ sicrety iv state:’ 

“‘Fellow subjicks,’ says th’ sicrety iv state, ’diplomacy is far diff’rent business thin it used to be. (A voice, ‘Good f’r you.’) In th’ days iv Bismarck, Gladstun an’ Charles Francis Adams ’twas a case iv inthrigue an’ deceit.  Now it is as simple as a pair iv boots.  In fifteen years th’ whole nature iv man is so changed that a diplomat has on’y to be honest, straight-forward an’ manly an’ concede ivrything an’ he will find his opponents will meet him half way an’ take what he gives.  Unforchunitly diplomacy on’y goes as far as the dure.  It is onable to give protection to th’ customer, so whin he laves th’ shop th’ sthrong arm men iv th’ Sinit knocks him down an’ takes fr’m him ivrything he got inside an’ more too.  Di-plomacy has become a philanthropic pursoot like shop-keepin’, but politics, me lords, is still th’ same ol’ spoort iv highway robb’ry.  But I done what I cud to protict th’ intherests iv th’ mother, father an’ brother-in-law counthry, an’ between you an’ me if I don’t desarve th’ Victorya cross f’r presintin’ that threaty to th’ Sinit nobody does.  I will on’y say that hinceforth th’ policy iv this gover’mint will be as befure not to bully a sthrong power or wrong a weak, but will remain thrue to th’ principle iv wrongin’ th’ sthrong an’ bullyin’ th’ weak.’

“Th’ sicrety iv state was followed be th’ ambassadure.  ’I wish to tell ye,’ said he, ’what a good time I had in England.  Befure I wint there I was sthrongly prejudiced again’ England.  I thought it was th’ noblest counthry on which, as Dan’l Webster says, th’ sun niver set without hatchin’ out a new colony.  But I did it a great injustice.  It is betther thin what I thought.  It does not care f’r chaff or gush such as goes down in this counthry.  All an English gintleman demands is that ye shall be ye’ersilf, frank, manly an’ sincere.  A little cry on th’ shouldher, a firm grasp iv th’ hand, a brief acknowledgment that we owe our language an’ are payin’ it back, our lithrachoor an’ our boots to him, an’ his heart opens.  He cannot conceal his admiration f’r ye.  He goes away.  Ah, niver will I f’rget th’ day I peeked out iv me bed-room window at Windsor Castle an’ see manny iv th’ sturdy lielists here befure me bein’ received in th’ back yard be th’ king.  I mind well th’ wurruds that fell fr’m his lips whin ye left to take lunch in th’ rile woodshed.  “Chote,” he says, “thim were a fine lot iv Americans,” he says.  “What thribe did ye say they belonged to?  Soos?” he says.’