Title:  Observations by Mr. Dooley

Author:  Finley Peter Dunne

Release Date:  December, 2003 [EBook #4729] [Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] [This file was first posted on March 7, 2002]

Edition:  10

Language:  English

Character set encoding:  ASCII

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Prepared by Kirk Pearson kpearson@nyx.net, with help from the volunteers at the Distributed Proofreaders project.

Observations by Mr. Dooley by Finley Peter Dunne

A Little Essay on Books

“Hogan tells me that wan iv th’ first things man done afther he’d larned to kill his neighborin’ animals, an’ make a meal iv wan part iv thim an’ a vest iv another, was to begin to mannyfacther lithrachoor, an’ it’s been goin’ on up to th’ prisint day.  Thim was times that th’ Lord niver heerd about, but is as well known to manny a la-ad in th’ univarsity iv southren Injyanny as if th’ histhry iv thim was printed on a poster.  Hogan says a pro-fissor with a shovel an’ a bad bringin’-up can go out annywhere along th’ dhrainage-canal an’ prove to ye that th’ Bible is no more thin an exthry avenin’ edition iv th’ histhry iv th’ wurruld, an’ th’ Noah fam’ly was considhered new arrivals in th’ neighborhood where they lived.  He says he’ll show ye th’ earth as though ’t was a section iv a layer-cake or an archytect’s dhrawin’ iv a flat-buildin’, an’ p’int out how ’t was accumylated.

“First ‘t was a mere squdge in which ne’er a livin’ thing cud be found.  This peryod lasted a few millyion years, an’ thin th’ mush caked an’ become buildin’-materyal, an’ threes grew out iv th’ buildin’-materyal an’ fell down an’ become coal.  Thin th’ wather come—­but where it come fr’m I don’t know, f’r they was no God at th’ time—­an’ covered th’ earth, an’ thin th’ wather evaporated an’ left little p’ints iv land shtickin’ up with ready-made men an’ women occypyin’ thim, an’ at that moment th’ Bible begun.  Ye might say we ‘re livin’ on th’ roof iv a flat, with all th’ apartmints beneath us occypied be th’ bones iv submarine monsthers an’ other tinants.

“Lasteways that’s what Hogan tells me, but I don’t believe a wurrud he says.  Most iv th’ people iv this wurruld is a come-on f’r science, but I’m not.  Ye can’t con-vince me, me boy, that a man who’s so near-sighted he can’t read th’ sign on a cable-car knows anny more about th’ formation iv th’ earth thin Father Kelly.  I believe th’ wurruld is flat, not round; that th’ sun moves an’ is about th’ size iv a pie-plate in th’ mornin’ an’ a car-wheel at noon; an’ it ’s no proof to me that because a pro-fissor who ’s peekin’ through a chube all night says th’ stars ar-re millyions iv miles away an’ each is bigger thin this wurruld, that they ’re bigger thin they look, or much higher thin