to himself, both theoretically and practically; but
in regard to women he cherishes the superstition of
the romances that love is once for all, and forever.
It was because Beaton would not believe that Alma
Leighton, being a woman, could put him out of her heart
after suffering him to steal into it, that he now
hoped anything from her, and she had been so explicit
when they last spoke of that affair that he did not
hope much. He said to himself that he was going
to cast himself on her mercy, to take whatever chance
of life, love, and work there was in her having the
smallest pity on him. If she would have none,
then there was but one thing he could do: marry
Christine and go abroad. He did not see how he
could bring this alternative to bear upon Alma; even
if she knew what he would do in case of a final rejection,
he had grounds for fearing she would not care; but
he brought it to bear upon himself, and it nerved him
to a desperate courage. He could hardly wait for
evening to come, before he went to see her; when it
came, it seemed to have come too soon. He had
wrought himself thoroughly into the conviction that
he was in earnest, and that everything depended upon
her answer to him, but it was not till he found himself
in her presence, and alone with her, that he realized
the truth of his conviction. Then the influences
of her grace, her gayety, her arch beauty, above all,
her good sense, penetrated his soul like a subtle
intoxication, and he said to himself that he was right;
he could not live without her; these attributes of
hers were what he needed to win him, to cheer him,
to charm him, to guide him. He longed so to please
her, to ingratiate himself with her, that he attempted
to be light like her in his talk, but lapsed into
abysmal absences and gloomy recesses of introspection.
“What are you laughing at?” he asked,
suddenly starting from one of these.
“What you are thinking of.”
“It’s nothing to laugh at. Do you
know what I’m thinking of?”
“Don’t tell, if it’s dreadful.”
“Oh, I dare say you wouldn’t think it’s
dreadful,” he said, with bitterness. “It’s
simply the case of a man who has made a fool of himself
and sees no help of retrieval in himself.”
“Can any one else help a man unmake a fool of
himself?” she asked, with a smile.
“Yes. In a case like this.”
“Dear me! This is very interesting.”
She did not ask him what the case was, but he was
launched now, and he pressed on. “I am
the man who has made a fool of himself—”
“Oh!”
“And you can help me out if you will. Alma,
I wish you could see me as I really am.”
“Do you, Mr. Beacon? Perhaps I do.”
“No; you don’t. You formulated me
in a certain way, and you won’t allow for the
change that takes place in every one. You have
changed; why shouldn’t I?”
“Has this to do with your having made a fool
of yourself?”