Mrs. Chump was again at his elbow.  “But, they aren’t ‘my,’ she remonstrated, “when I’ve nothin’ to do with ’m.  And a ‘my’ has a ‘dear’ to ’t always.  Ye’re not awake, Mr. Braintop; try again.”

“Shall I begin formally, ‘Mrs. Chump presents her compliments,’ ma’am?” said Braintop stiffly.

“And I stick myself up on a post, and talk like a parrot, sir!  Don’t you see, I’m familiar, and I’m woundud?  Go along; try again.”

Braintop’s next effort was, “Ladies.”

“But they don’t behave to me like ladus; and it’s against my conscience to call ’em!” said Mrs. Chump, with resolution.

Braintop wrote down “Women,” in the very irony of disgust.

“And avery one of ’em unmarred garls!” exclaimed Mrs. Chump, throwing up her hands.  “Mr. Braintop!  Mr. Braintop! ye’re next to an ejut!”

Braintop threw dawn the pen.  “I really do not know what to say,” he remarked, rising in distress.

“I naver had such a desire to shake anny man in all my life,” said Mrs. Chump, dropping to her chair.

The posture of affairs was chimed to by the monotonous bell.  After listening to it for some minutes, Mrs. Chump was struck with a notion that Braintop’s sinfulness in working on a Sunday, or else the shortness of the prayer he had put up to gain absolution, was the cause of his lack of ready wit.  Hearing that he had gloves, she told him to go to church, listen devoutly, and return to luncheon.  Braintop departed, with a sensation of relief in the anticipation of a sermon, quite new to him.  When he next made his bow to his hostess, he was greeted by a pleasant sparkle of refreshments.  Mrs. Chump herself primed him with Sherry, thinking in the cunning of her heart that it might haply help the inspiration derived from his devotional exercise.  After this, pen and paper were again produced.

“Well, now, Mr. Braintop, and what have ye thought of?” said Mrs. Chump, encouragingly.

Braintop thought rapidly over what he might possibly have been thinking of; and having put a file of ideas into the past, said, with the air of a man who delicately suggests a subtlety:  “It has struck me, ma’am, that perhaps ‘Girls’ might begin very well.  To be sure ‘Dear girls’ is the best, if you would consent to it.”

“Take another glass of wine, Mr. Braintop,” Mrs. Chump nodded.  “Ye’re nearer to ut now.  ‘Garls’ is what they are, at all events.  But don’t you see, my dear your man, it isn’t the real thing we want so much as a sort of a proud beginnin’, shorrt of slappin’ their faces.  Think of dinner.  Furrst soup; that prepares ye for what’s comin’.  Then fish, which is on the road to meat, dye see?—­we pepper ’em.  Then joint, Mr. Braintop—­out we burrst:  (Oh, and what ins’lent hussies ye’ve been to me, and yell naver see annything of me but my back!) Then the sweets,—­But I’m a forgivin’ woman, and a Christian in the bargain, ye ungrateful minxes; and if ye really are sorrowful!  And there, Mr. Braintop, ye’ve got it all laid out as flat as a pancake.”