guess what she holds on, to keep her breath.
All the happiness in life!—if only it could
benefit her. But it ’s the cause of death
to us. Do you see, dear friend;—you
are a friend, proved friend,’ he took her hand,
and held and pressed it, in great need of a sanguine
response to emphasis; and having this warm feminine
hand, his ideas ran off with it. ’The friend
I need! You have courage. My Nataly, poor
dear—she can endure, in her quiet way.
A woman of courage would take her place beside me and
compel the world to do her homage, help;—a
bright ready smile does it! She would never be
beaten. Of course, we could have lived under a
bushel—stifled next to death! But
I am for light, air-battle, if you like. I want
a comrade, not a—not that I complain.
I respect, pity, love—I do love her, honour:
only, we want something else—courage—to
face the enemy. Quite right, that she should
speak to Dudley Sowerby. He has to know, must
know; all who deal closely with us must know.
But see a moment: I am waiting to see the impediment
dispersed, which puts her at an inequality with the
world: and then I speak to all whom it concerns—not
before: for her sake. How is it now?
Dudley will ask . . . you understand. And when
I am forced to confess, that the mother, the mother
of the girl he seeks in marriage, is not yet in that
state herself, probably at that very instant the obstacle
has crumbled to dust! I say, probably: I
have information—doctors, friends, attendants—they
all declare it cannot last outside a week. But
you are here—true, I could swear! a touch
of a hand tells me. A woman’s hand?
Well, yes: I read by the touch of a woman’s
hand:—betrays more than her looks or her
lips!’ He sank his voice. ’I don’t
talk of condoling: if you are in grief, you know
I share it.’ He kissed her hand, and laid
it on her lap; eyed it, and met her eyes; took a header
into her eyes, and lost himself. A nip of his
conscience moved his tongue to say: ‘As
for guilt, if it were known . . . a couple of ascetics—absolutely!’
But this was assumed to be unintelligible; and it was
merely the apology to his conscience in communion
with the sprite of a petticoated fair one who was
being subjected to tender little liberties, necessarily
addressed in enigmas. He righted immediately,
under a perception of the thoroughbred’s contempt
for the barriers of wattled sheep; and caught the
word ‘guilt,’ to hide the Philistine citizen’s
lapse, by relating historically, in abridgement, the
honest beauty of the passionate loves of the two whom
the world proscribed for honestly loving. There
was no guilt. He harped on the word, to erase
the recollection of his first use of it.
‘Fiddle,’ said Lady Grace. ’The thing happened. You have now to carry it through. You require a woman’s aid in a social matter. Rely on me, for what I can do. You will see Dudley on Tuesday? I will write. Be plain with him; not forgetting the gilding, I need not remark. Your Nesta has no aversion?’