HE

I am carried by the fascination of a musical laugh.  Apparently I am doomed to hear it at my own expense.  We are secure from nothing in this life.

I have determined to stand for the county.  An unoccupied man is a prey to every hook of folly.  Be dilettante all your days, and you might as fairly hope to reap a moral harvest as if you had chased butterflies.  The activities created by a profession or determined pursuit are necessary to the growth of the mind.

Heavens!  I find myself writing like an illegitimate son of La Rochefoucauld, or of Vauvenargues.  But, it is true that I am fifty years old, and I am not mature.  I am undeveloped somewhere.

The question for me to consider is, whether this development is to be accomplished by my being guilty of an act of egregious folly.

Dans la cinquantaine!  The reflection should produce a gravity in men.  Such a number of years will not ring like bridal bells in a man’s ears.  I have my books about me, my horses, my dogs, a contented household.  I move in the centre of a perfect machine, and I am dissatisfied.  I rise early.  I do not digest badly.  What is wrong?

The calamity of my case is that I am in danger of betraying what is wrong with me to others, without knowing it myself.  Some woman will be suspecting and tattling, because she has nothing else to do.  Girls have wonderfully shrewd eyes for a weakness in the sex which they are instructed to look upon as superior.  But I am on my guard.

The fact is manifest:  I feel I have been living more or less uselessly.  It is a fat time.  There are a certain set of men in every prosperous country who, having wherewithal, and not being compelled to toil, become subjected to the moral ideal.  Most of them in the end sit down with our sixth Henry or second Richard and philosophise on shepherds.  To be no better than a simple hind!  Am I better?  Prime bacon and an occasional draft of shrewd beer content him, and they do not me.  Yet I am sound, and can sit through the night and be ready, and on the morrow I shall stand for the county.

I made the announcement that I had thoughts of entering Parliament, before I had half formed the determination, at my sister’s lawn party yesterday.

‘Gilbert!’ she cried, and raised her hands.  A woman is hurt if you do not confide to her your plans as soon as you can conceive them.  She must be present to assist at the birth, or your plans are unblessed plans.

I had been speaking aside in a casual manner to my friend Amble, whose idea is that the Church is not represented with sufficient strength in the Commons, and who at once, as I perceived, grasped the notion of getting me to promote sundry measures connected with schools and clerical stipends, for his eyes dilated; he said:  ’Well, if you do, I can put you up to several things,’ and imparting the usual chorus of yesses to his own mind, he continued absently:  ’Pollingray might be made strong on church rates.  There is much to do.  He has lived abroad and requires schooling in these things.  We want a man.  Yes, yes, yes.  It’s a good idea; a notion.’