the rest are wind. Which signifies, that if you
do not take his estimate of himself, you will think
little of his: negative virtues. He is not
eminently, that is to say, not saliently, selfish;
not rancorous, not obtrusive—tata-ta-ta.
But dull!—dull as a woollen nightcap over
eyes and ears and mouth. Oh! an executioner’s
black cap to me. Dull, and suddenly staring awake
to the idea of his honour. I “rendered”
him ridiculous—I had caught a trick of “using
men’s phrases.” Dearest, now that
the day of trial draws nigh—you have never
questioned me, and it was like you to spare me pain—but
now I can speak of him and myself.’ Diana
dropped her voice. Here was another confession.
The proximity of the trial acted like fire on her
faded recollection of incidents. It may be that
partly the shame of alluding to them had blocked her
woman’s memory. For one curious operation
of the charge of guiltiness upon the nearly guiltless
is to make them paint themselves pure white, to the
obliteration of minor spots, until the whiteness being
acknowledged, or the ordeal imminent, the spots recur
and press upon their consciences. She resumed,
in a rapid undertone: ’You know that a
certain degree of independence had been, if not granted
by him, conquered by me. I had the habit of it.
Obedience with him is imprisonment—he is
a blind wall. He received a commission, greatly
to his advantage, and was absent. He seems to
have received information of some sort. He returned
unexpectedly, at a late hour, and attacked me at once,
middling violent. My friend—and that
he is! was coming from the House for a ten minutes’
talk, as usual, on his way home, to refresh him after
the long sitting and bear-baiting he had nightly to
endure. Now let me confess: I grew frightened;
Mr. Warwick was “off his head,” as they
say-crazy, and I could not bear the thought of those
two meeting. While he raged I threw open the
window and put the lamp near it, to expose the whole
interior—cunning as a veteran intriguer:
horrible, but it had to be done to keep them apart.
He asked me what madness possessed me, to sit by an
open window at midnight, in view of the public, with
a damp wind blowing. I complained of want of
air and fanned my forehead. I heard the steps
on the pavement; I stung him to retort loudly, and
I was relieved; the steps passed on. So the trick
succeeded—the trick! It was the worst
I was guilty of, but it was a trick, and it branded
me trickster. It teaches me to see myself with
an abyss in my nature full of infernal possibilities.
I think I am hewn in black rock. A woman who can
do as I did by instinct, needs to have an angel always
near her, if she has not a husband she reveres.’