There is a certain good-breeding which leads us to avoid friction with another’s nervous system.  It must, however, be an avoidance inside as well as outside.  The subterfuge of holding one’s tongue never works in the end.  There is a subtle communication from one nervous system to another which is more insinuating than any verbal intercourse.  Those nearest us, and whom we really love best, are often the very persons by whom we are most annoyed.  As we learn to keep a courteous distance from their personal peculiarities our love grows stronger and more real; and an open frankness in our relation is more nearly possible.  Strangely enough, too, the personal peculiarities sometimes disappear.  It is possible, and quite as necessary, to treat one’s own nervous system with this distant courtesy.

This brings us to the second simple truth.  In nine cases out of ten the cause of this nervous irritation is in ourselves.  If a man loses his temper and rouses us to a return attack, how can we blame him?  Are we not quite as bad in hitting back?  To be sure, he began it.  But did he?  How do we know what roused him?  Then, too, he might have poured volleys of abuse upon us, and not provoked an angry retort, if the temper had not been latent within us, to begin with.  So it is with minor matters.  In direct proportion to our freedom from others is our power for appreciating their good points; just in proportion to our slavery to their tricks and their habits are we blinded to their good points and open to increased irritation from their bad ones.  It is curious that it should work that way, but it does.  If there is nothing in us to be roused, we are all free; if we are not free, it is because there is something in us akin to that which rouses us.  This is hard to acknowledge.  But it puts our attitude to others on a good clean basis, and brings us into reality and out of private theatricals; not to mention a clearing of the nervous system which gives us new power.

There is one trouble in dealing with people which does not affect all of us, but which causes enough pain and suffering to those who are under its influence to make up for the immunity of the rest.  That is, the strong feeling that many of us have that it is our duty to reform those about us whose life and ways are not according to our ideas of right.

No one ever forced another to reform, against that other’s will.  It may have appeared so; but there is sure to be a reaction sooner or later.  The number of nervous systems, however, that have been overwrought by this effort to turn others to better ways, is sad indeed.  And in many instances the owners of these nervous systems will pose to themselves as martyrs; and they are quite sincere in such posing.  They are living their own impressions of themselves, and wearing themselves out in consequence.  If they really wanted right for the sake of right, they would do all in their power without intruding, would recognize the other as a free agent, and wait.