“I had, of course, to stop my distillery, as my grinding was broken up.  And indeed I may say that the misfortune just made a complete mash of me.  I had some likely negroes, and a good stock of almost everything about me, and, best of all, I had an honest wife.  She didn’t advise me, as is too fashionable, to smuggle up this, and that, and t’other, to go on at home.  But she told me, says she, ’Just pay up as long as you have a bit’s worth in the world; and then everybody will be satisfied, and we will scuffle for more.’

“This was just such talk as I wanted to hear, for a man’s wife can hold him devilish uneasy if she begins to scold and fret, and perplex him, at a time when he has a full load for a railroad car on his mind already.  And so, you see, I determined not to break full-handed, but thought it better to keep a good conscience with an empty purse, than to get a bad opinion of myself with a full one.  I therefore gave up all I had, and took a bran-fire new start.”

Crockett’s legislative career was by no means brilliant, but characteristic.  He was the fun-maker of the house, and, like Falstaff, could boast that he was not only witty himself, but the cause of wit in others.  His stories were irresistibly comic; but they almost always contained expressions of profanity or coarseness which renders it impossible for us to transmit them to these pages.  He was an inimitable mimic, and had perfect command of a Dutchman’s brogue.  One of the least objectionable of his humorous stories we will venture to record.

There were, he said, in Virginia, two Dutchmen, brothers, George and Jake Fulwiler.  They were both well to do in the world, and each owned a grist mill.  There was another Dutchman near by, by the name of Henry Snyder.  He was a mono-maniac, but a harmless man, occasionally thinking himself to be God.  He built a throne, and would often sit upon it, pronouncing judgment upon others, and also upon himself.  He would send the culprits to heaven or to hell, as his humor prompted.

One day he had a little difficulty with the two Fulwilers.  He took his seat upon his throne, and in imagination summoning the culprits before him, thus addressed them: 

“Shorge Fulwiler, stand up.  What hash you been dain in dis lower world?”

“Ah!  Lort, ich does not know.”

“Well, Shorge Fulwiler, hasn’t you got a mill?”

“Yes, Lort, ich hash.”

“Well, Shorge Fulwiler, didn’t you never take too much toll?”

“Yes, Lort, ich hash; when der water wash low, and mein stones wash dull, ich take leetle too much toll.”

“Well, den, Shorge Fulwiler, you must go to der left mid der goats.”

“Well, Shake Fulwiler, now you stand up.  What hash you been doin in dis lower world?”

“Ah!  Lort, ich does not know.”

“Well, Shake Fulwiler, hasn’t you got a mill?”

“Yes, Lort, ich hash.”

“Well, Shake Fulwiler hasn’t you never taken too much toll?”