I spent my last week-end at Balliol when Jowett’s health appeared to have completely recovered.  On the Monday morning, after his guests had gone, I went as usual into his study to talk to him.  My wire on receiving his death-bed letter had amused but distressed him; and on my arrival he pressed me to tell him what it was he had written that had offended me.  I told him I was not offended, only hurt.  He asked me what the difference was.  I wish I could have given him the answer that my daughter Elizabeth gave Lord Grey [Footnote:  Viscount Grey of Fallodon.] when he asked her the same question, walking in the garden at Fallodon on the occasion of her first countryhouse visit: 

“The one touches your vanity and the other your heart.”

I do not know what I said, but I told him I was quite unoffended and without touchiness, but that his letter had all the faults of a schoolmaster and a cleric in it and not the love of a friend.  He listened to me with his usual patience and sweetness and expressed his regret.

On the Monday morning of which I am writing, and on which we had our last conversation, I had made up my mind that, as I had spoilt many good conversations by talking too much myself, I would hold my tongue and let the Master for once make the first move.  I had not had much experience of his classical and devastating silences and had often defended him from the charge; but it was time to see what happened if I talked less.

When we got into the room and he had shut the door, I absently selected the only comfortable chair and we sat down next to each other.  A long and quelling silence followed the lighting of my cigarette.  Feeling rather at a loose end, I thought out a few stage directions—­“here business with handkerchief, etc.”—­and adjusted the buckles on my shoes.  I looked at some photographs and fingered a paper-knife and odds and ends on the table near me.  The oppressive silence continued.  I strolled to the book-shelves and, under cover of a copy of “Country Conversations,” peeped at the Master.  He appeared to be quite unaware of my existence.

“Nothing doing,” said I to myself, putting back the book.

Something had switched him off as if he had been the electric light.

At last, breaking the silence with considerable impatience, I said: 

“Really, Master, there is very little excuse for your silence!  Surely you have something to say to me, something to tell me; you have had an experience since we talked to each other that I have never had:  you have been near Death.”

Jowett (not in any way put out):  “I felt no rapture, no bliss.”  (Suddenly looking at me and taking my hand.) “My dear child, you must believe in God in spite of what the clergy say.”

CHAPTER III

Fast and furious hunting in Leicestershire—­country house party and A new admirer—­friendship with lord and lady manners