conservatory, found her heart chilled by the stern eye of a uniformed C.P.H. agent lurking behind a potted hydrangea.  We hired bands of urchins to make faces at evil old men who plate-glass themselves in the windows of clubs.  Many a husband, wondering desperately which hat or which tie to select, has been surprised by the appearance of one of our staff at his elbow, tactfully pointing out which article would best harmonize with his complexion and station in life.  Ladies who insisted on overpowdering their noses were quietly waylaid by one of our matrons, and the excess of rice-dust removed.  A whole shipload of people who persisted in eating onions were gathered (without any publicity) into a concentration camp, and in company with several popular comedians, deported to a coral atoll.  I could enumerate thousands of such instances.  For several years we worked in this unassuming way, trying to add to the sum of human happiness.”

Quimbleton’s white beard shone with a pinkish brightness as he inhaled heavily on his cigar.

“Now, Mr. Bleak,” he went on, “I come to you because we need your help.  We can no longer maintain a light-hearted sniping campaign on the enemies of human happiness.  This is a death struggle.  You are aware that Chuff and his legions are planning a tremendous parade for to-morrow.  You know that it will be the most startling demonstration of its kind ever arranged.  One hundred thousand pan-antis will parade on the Boulevard, with a hundred brass bands, led by the Bishop himself on his coal black horse.  Do you know the purpose of the parade?”

“In a general way,” said Bleak, “I suppose it is to give publicity to the prohibition cause.”

“They have kept their malign scheme entirely secret,” said Quimbleton.  “You, as a newspaper man, should know it.  Does the (so-called) cause of prohibition require publicity?  Nonsense!  Prohibition is already in effect.  The purpose of the parade is to undermine the splendid work our Corporation has been doing for the past two years.  As soon as the fatal amendment was passed we set to work to teach people how to brew beverages of their own, in their own homes.  As you know, very delicious wine may be made from almost every vegetable and fruit.  Potatoes, tomatoes, rhubarb, currants, blackberries, gooseberries, raisins, apples—­all these are susceptible of fermentation, transforming their juices into desirable vintages.  We specialized on such beverages.  We printed and distributed millions of recipes.  Chuff countered by passing laws that no printed recipes could circulate through the mails.  We had motion pictures filmed, showing the eager public how to perform these simple and cheering processes.  Chuff thereupon had motion pictures banned.  He would abolish the principle of fermentation itself if he could.

“We composed a little song-recipe for dandelion wine, sending thousands of minstrels to sing it about the country until the people should memorize it.  Now Chuff threatens to forbid singing and the memorizing of poetry.  At this moment he has fifty thousand zealots working in the countryside collecting and burning dandelion seeds so as to reduce the crop next spring.