Be it also enacted, and it hereby is, that the principle of fermentation is forbidden in the territory of the United States; and all plants, herbs, legumes, vegetables, fruits and foliage showing themselves capable of producing effervescent juices or liquids in which bubbles and gases rise to the top be, and hereby are, confiscated, eradicated and removed from the surface of the soil.  And all the laws of Nature inconsistent with the principle of this Act be and hereby are repealed and rendered null and inconclusive.

It is hoped that this suspension of relations with Nature will operate as a sharp rebuke, and bring her to reason.  It is not the sense of this Act to withhold from the Enemy all hope of a future reconciliation, should she cast off the habits that have made her a menace.  We have no quarrel with Nature as a whole.  But there is a certain misguided clique, the dandelions and gooseberries and other irresponsible plants, which must be humiliated.  We do not presume to suggest to Nature any alteration or modification of her necessary institutions.  But who can claim that the principle of fermentation, which she has arrogated to herself, is necessary to her health and happiness?  This Intolerable Thing, of which Nature has shown us the ugly mug, this menace of combined intrigue and force, must be crushed, with proud punctilio.

And for the strict enforcement of this Act, the Pan-Antis are authorized and empowered to organize expeditionary forces, by recruitment or (if necessary) by conscription and draft, to proceed into the territory of the enemy, lay waste and ravage all dandelions, gooseberries and other unlawful plants.  Until this is accomplished Nature shall be and hereby is declared a barred zone, in which civilians and non-combatants pass at their own peril; and all citizens not serving with the expeditionary forces shall remain within city and village limits until the territory of Nature is made safe for sobriety.

This document, having been signed by the Governor, became law, and thousands of people who were about to leave town for their vacation were held up at the railway stations.  Nature was declared under martial law.  There were many who held that the Act, while admirable in principle, did not go far enough in practice.  For instance, it was argued, the detestable principle of fermentation was due in great part to the influence of the sun upon vegetable matter; and it was suggested that this heavenly body should be abolished.  Others, pointing out that this was a matter that would take some time, advanced the theory that large tracts of open country should be shielded from the sun’s rays by vast tents or awnings.  Bishop Chuff, with his customary perspicacity, made it plain that one of the chief causes of temptation was hot weather, which causes immoderate thirst.  In order to lessen the amount of thirst in the population he suggested