not, and that the hand of necessity had guided me
from my earliest years, until the present night, in
which I found myself seated in the dingle, staring
on the brands of the fire. But ceasing to think
of the past which, as irrecoverably gone, it was useless
to regret, even were there cause to regret it, what
should I do in future? Should I write another
book like the Life of Joseph Sell; take it to London,
and offer it to a publisher? But when I reflected
on the grisly sufferings which I had undergone whilst
engaged in writing the Life of Sell, I shrank from
the idea of a similar attempt; moreover, I doubted
whether I possessed the power to write a similar work—whether
the materials for the life of another Sell lurked
within the recesses of my brain? Had I not better
become in reality what I had hitherto been merely
playing at—a tinker or a gypsy? But
I soon saw that I was not fitted to become either
in reality. It was much more agreeable to play
the gypsy or the tinker than to become either in reality.
I had seen enough of gypsying and tinkering to be
convinced of that. All of a sudden the idea of
tilling the soil came into my head; tilling the soil
was a healthful and noble pursuit! but my idea of
tilling the soil had no connection with Britain; for
I could only expect to till the soil in Britain as
a serf. I thought of tilling it in America,
in which it was said there was plenty of wild, unclaimed
land, of which any one, who chose to clear it of its
trees, might take possession. I figured myself
in America, in an immense forest, clearing the land
destined, by my exertions, to become a fruitful and
smiling plain. Methought I heard the crash of
the huge trees as they fell beneath my axe; and then
I bethought me that a man was intended to marry—I
ought to marry; and if I married, where was I likely
to be more happy as a husband and a father than in
America, engaged in tilling the ground? I fancied
myself in America, engaged in tilling the ground,
assisted by an enormous progeny. Well, why not
marry, and go and till the ground in America?
I was young, and youth was the time to marry in,
and to labour in. I had the use of all my faculties;
my eyes, it is true, were rather dull from early study,
and from writing the Life of Joseph Sell; but I could
see tolerably well with them, and they were not bleared.
I felt my arms, and thighs, and teeth—they
were strong and sound enough; so now was the time
to labour, to marry, eat strong flesh, and beget strong
children—the power of doing all this would
pass away with youth, which was terribly transitory.
I bethought me that a time would come when my eyes
would be bleared, and, perhaps, sightless; my arms
and thighs strengthless and sapless; when my teeth
would shake in my jaws, even supposing they did not
drop out. No going a wooing then—no
labouring—no eating strong flesh, and begetting
lusty children then; and I bethought me how, when all
this should be, I should bewail the days of my youth
as misspent, provided I had not in them founded for
myself a home, and begotten strong children to take
care of me in the days when I could not take care
of myself; and thinking of these things, I became sadder
and sadder, and stared vacantly upon the fire till
my eyes closed in a doze.