To express the more than utter foolishness of this latter Charlie o’er the water nonsense, whether in rhyme or prose, there is but one word, and that word a Scotch word.  Scotch, the sorriest of jargons, compared with which even Roth Welsch is dignified and expressive, has yet one word to express what would be inexpressible by any word or combination of words in any language, or in any other jargon in the world; and very properly; for as the nonsense is properly Scotch, so should the word be Scotch which expresses it—­that word is “fushionless,” pronounced fooshionless; and when the writer has called the nonsense fooshionless—­and he does call it fooshionless—­he has nothing more to say, but leaves the nonsense to its fate.

CHAPTER VIII

On Canting Nonsense.

The writer now wishes to say something on the subject of canting nonsense, of which there is a great deal in England.  There are various cants in England, amongst which is the religious cant.  He is not going to discuss the subject of religious cant:  lest, however, he should be misunderstood, he begs leave to repeat that he is a sincere member of the Church of England, in which he believes there is more religion, and consequently less cant, than in any other church in the world; nor is he going to discuss many other cants; he shall content himself with saying something about two—­the temperance cant and the unmanly cant.  Temperance canters say that “it is unlawful to drink a glass of ale.”  Unmanly canters say that “it is unlawful to use one’s fists.”  The writer begs leave to tell both these species of canters that they do not speak words of truth.

It is very lawful to take a cup of ale, or wine, for the purpose of cheering or invigorating yourself when you are faint and down-hearted; and likewise to give a cup of ale or wine to others when they are in a similar condition.  The Holy Scripture sayeth nothing to the contrary, but rather encourageth people in so doing by the text, “Wine maketh glad the heart of man.”  But it is not lawful to intoxicate yourself with frequent cups of ale or wine, nor to make others intoxicated, nor does the Holy Scripture say it is.  The Holy Scripture no more says that it is lawful to intoxicate yourself or others, than it says that it is unlawful to take a cup of ale or wine yourself, or to give one to others.  Noah is not commended in the Scripture for making himself drunken on the wine he brewed.  Nor is it said that the Saviour, when he supplied the guests with first-rate wine at the marriage-feast, told them to make themselves drunk upon it.  He is said to have supplied them with first-rate wine, but He doubtless left the quantity which each should drink to each party’s reason and discretion.  When you set a good dinner before your guests, you do not expect that they should gorge themselves with the victuals you set before them.  Wine may be abused, and so may a leg of mutton.