Nevertheless I returned from the ball one evening so sick at heart that I feared that it was love.  I happened to have had beside me at supper the most charming and the most distinguished woman whom it had ever been my good fortune to meet.  When I closed my eyes to sleep I saw her image before me.  I thought I was lost, and I at once resolved that I would avoid meeting her again.  A sort of fever seized me, and I lay on my bed for fifteen days, repeating over and over the lightest words I had exchanged with her.

As there is no spot on earth where one can be so well-known by his neighbors as in Paris, it was not long before the people of my acquaintance who had seen me with Desgenais began to accuse me of being a great libertine.  In that I admired the discernment of the world:  in proportion as I had passed for inexperienced and sensitive at the time of my rupture with my mistress, I was now considered corrupt and hardened.  Some one had just told me that it was clear I had never loved that woman, that I had doubtless merely played at love, thereby paying me a compliment which I really did not deserve; but the truth of it was that I was so swollen with vanity I was charmed with it.

My desire was to pass as blase, even while I was filled with desires and my exalted imagination was carrying me beyond all limits.  I began to say that I could not make any headway with the women; my head was filled with chimeras which I preferred to realities.  In short, my unique pleasure consisted in altering the nature of facts.  If a thought were but extraordinary, if it shocked common sense, I became its ardent champion at the risk of advocating the most dangerous sentiments.

My greatest fault was imitation of everything that struck me, not by its beauty but by its strangeness, and not wishing to confess myself an imitator I resorted to exaggeration in order to appear original.  According to my idea, nothing was good or even tolerable; nothing was worth the trouble of turning the head, and yet when I had become warmed up in a discussion it seemed as if there was no expression in the French language strong enough to sustain my cause; but my warmth would subside as soon as my opponents ranged themselves on my side.

It was a natural consequence of my conduct.  Although disgusted with the life I was leading I was unwilling to change it: 

        Simigliante a quells ’nferma
        Che non puo trovar posa in su le piume,
        Ma con dar volta suo dolore scherma.—­Dante.

Thus I tortured my mind to give it change, and I fell into all these vagaries in order to get away from myself.

But while my vanity was thus occupied, my heart was suffering, so that ever within me were a man who laughed and a man who wept.  It was a perpetual struggle between my head and my heart.  My own mockeries frequently caused me great pain and my deepest sorrows aroused a desire to burst into laughter.