“For my ignorance of life, stupidity, presumption, and blindness.  If I had been less simple, should I have been taken in by Jardine’s propositions?  Should I have accepted this furniture, this apartment?  He told me that the papers he made me sign were mere formalities, that in reality I might pay when I could, and that he would be content with a fair interest.  That seemed reasonable, and, without inquiring further, I accepted, happy and delighted to have a home, feeling sure of having strength to bear this burden.  To have confidence in one’s self is strength, but it is also weakness.  Because you love me you do not know me; you do not see me as I am.  In reality, I am not sociable, and I lack, absolutely, suppleness, delicacy, politeness, as much in my character as in my manners.  Being so, how can I obtain a large practice, or succeed, unless it is by some stroke of luck?  I have counted on the luck, but its hour has not yet sounded.  Because I lack suppleness I have not been able to win the sympathy or interest of my masters.  They see only my reserve; and because I stay away from them, as much through timidity as pride, they do not come to me—­which is quite natural, I admit.  And because I have not yielded my ideas to the authority of others, they have taken a dislike to me, which is still more natural.  Because I lack politeness, and am still an Auvergnat, heavy and awkward as nature made me, men of the world disdain me, judging me by my exterior, which they see and dislike.  More wary, more sly, more experienced, I should be, at least, sustained by friendship, but I have given no thought to it.  What good is it?  I had no need of it, my force was sufficient.  I find it more easy to make myself feared than loved.  Thus formed, there are only two things for me to do:  remain in my poor room in the Hotel du Senat, living by giving lessons and by work from the booksellers, until the examination and admission to the central bureau; or to establish myself in an out-of-the-way quarter at Belleville, Montrouge, or elsewhere, and there practise among people who will demand neither politeness nor fine manners.  As these two ways are reasonable, I have made up my mind to neither.  Belleville, because I should work only with my legs, like one of my comrades whom I saw work at Villette:  ’Your tongue, good.  Your arm, good.’  And while he is supposed to be feeling the pulse of the patient with one hand, with the other he is writing his prescription:  ’Vomitive, purgative, forty sous;’ and he hurries away, his diagnosis having taken less than five minutes; he had no time to waste.  I object to the Hotel du Senat because I have had enough of it, and it was there that Jardine tempted me with his proposals.  See what he has brought me to!”

“And now?”

CHAPTER VIII

EXPLANATIONS

At this moment, without warning, the candle on the table went out.