When I read these words I threw down my book, and melted into tears.

I do not regret those tears, for they were such as I could shed only when my heart was right; I do not speak merely of Salsdorf, and do not care for that particular instance.  I am sure, however, that I did not suspect any one that day.  Poor dreamer!  Ought I to remember that I have been other than I am?  What good will it do me as I stretch out my arms in anguish to heaven and wait for the bolt that will deliver me forever?  Alas! it was only a gleam that flashed across the night of my life.

Like those dervish fanatics who find ecstasy in vertigo, so thought, turning on itself, exhausted by the stress of introspection and tired of vain effort, falls terror-stricken.  So it would seem that man must be a void and that by dint of delving unto himself he reaches the last turn of a spiral.  There, as on the summits of mountains and at the bottom of mines, air fails, and God forbids man to go farther.  Then, struck with a mortal chill, the heart, as if impaired by oblivion, seeks to escape into a new birth; it demands life of that which environs it, it eagerly drinks in the air; but it finds round about only its own chimeras, which have exhausted its failing powers and which, self-created, surround it like pitiless spectres.

This could not last long.  Tired of uncertainty, I resolved to resort to a test that would discover the truth.

I ordered post-horses for ten in the evening.  We had hired a caleche and I gave directions that all should be ready at the hour indicated.  At the same time I asked that nothing be said to Madame Pierson.  Smith came to dinner; at the table I affected unusual cheerfulness, and without a word about my plans, I turned the conversation to our journey.  I would renounce all idea of going away, I said, if I thought Brigitte did not care to go; I was so well satisfied with Paris that I asked nothing better than to remain as long as she pleased.  I made much of all the pleasures of the city; I spoke of the balls, the theatres, of the many opportunities for diversion on every hand.  In short, since we were happy I did not see why we should make a change; and I did not think of going away at present.

I was expecting her to insist that we carry out our plan of going to Geneva, and was not disappointed.  However, she insisted but feebly; but, after a few words, I pretended to yield, and then changing the subject I spoke of other things, as though it was all settled.

“And why will not Smith go with us?” I asked.  “It is very true that he has duties here, but can he not obtain leave of absence?  Moreover, will not the talents he possesses and which he is unwilling to use, assure him an honorable living anywhere?  Let him come along with us; the carriage is large and we offer him a place in it.  A young man should see the world, and there is nothing so irksome for a man of his age as confinement in an office and restriction to a narrow circle.  Is it not true?” I asked, turning to Brigitte.  “Come, my dear, let your wiles obtain from him what he might refuse me; urge him to give us six weeks of his time.  We will travel together, and after a tour of Switzerland he will return to his duties with new life.”