the fear of discovery rendered me intrepid. I
felt no dread but that of being detected, of being
publicly, and to my face, declared a thief, liar,
and calumniator; an unconquerable fear of this overcame
every other sensation. Had I been left to myself,
I should infallibly have declared the truth.
Or if M. de la Rogue had taken me aside, and said—“Do
not injure this poor girl; if you are guilty own it,”—I
am convinced I should instantly have thrown myself
at his feet; but they intimidated, instead of encouraging
me. I was hardly out of my childhood, or rather,
was yet in it. It is also just to make some
allowance for my age. In youth, dark, premeditated
villainy is more criminal than in a riper age, but
weaknesses are much less so; my fault was truly nothing
more; and I am less afflicted at the deed itself than
for its consequences. It had one good effect,
however, in preserving me through the rest of my life
from any criminal action, from the terrible impression
that has remained from the only one I ever committed;
and I think my aversion for lying proceeds in a great
measure from regret at having been guilty of so black
a one. If it is a crime that can be expiated,
as I dare believe, forty years of uprightness and honor
on various difficult occasions, with the many misfortunes
that have overwhelmed my latter years, may have completed
it. Poor Marion has found so many avengers in
this world, that however great my offence towards
her, I do not fear to bear the guilt with me.
Thus have I disclosed what I had to say on this painful
subject; may I be permitted never to mention it again.
Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society
London, 1903
BOOK III.
Leaving the service of Madam de Vercellis nearly as
I had entered it, I returned to my former hostess,
and remained there five or six weeks; during which
time health, youth, and laziness, frequently rendered
my temperament importunate. I was restless,
absent, and thoughtful: I wept and sighed for
a happiness I had no idea of, though at the same time
highly sensible of some deficiency. This situation
is indescribable, few men can even form any conception
of it, because, in general, they have prevented that
plenitude of life, at once tormenting and delicious.
My thoughts were incessantly occupied with girls and
women, but in a manner peculiar to myself: these
ideas kept my senses in a perpetual and disagreeable
activity, though, fortunately, they did not point out
the means of deliverance. I would have given
my life to have met with a Miss Goton, but the time
was past in which the play of infancy predominated;
increase of years had introduced shame, the inseparable
companion of a conscious deviation from rectitude,
which so confirmed my natural timidity as to render
it invincible; and never, either at that time or since,
could I prevail on myself to offer a proposition favorable
to my wishes (unless in a manner constrained to it
by previous advances) even with those whose scruples
I had no cause to dread.
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