Delivered from imaginary evils, more cruel to me than those which were real, I more patiently suffered the latter.  It is certain I have since suffered less from my disorder than I had done before, and every time I recollect that I owe this alleviation to M. de Luxembourg, his memory becomes more dear to me.

Restored, as I may say, to life, and more than ever occupied with the plan according to which I was determined to pass the rest of my days, all the obstacle to the immediate execution of my design was the publication of ‘Emilius’.  I thought of Touraine where I had already been and which pleased me much, as well on account of the mildness of the climate, as on that of the character of the inhabitants.

                   ’La terra molle lieta a dilettosa
                    Simile a se l’habitator produce.’

I had already spoken of my project to M. de Luxembourg, who endeavored to dissuade me from it; I mentioned it to him a second time as a thing resolved upon.  He then offered me the castle of Merlon, fifteen leagues from Paris, as an asylum which might be agreeable to me, and where he and Madam de Luxembourg would have a real pleasure in seeing me settled.  The proposition made a pleasing impression on my mind.  But the first thing necessary was to see the place, and we agreed upon a day when the marechal was to send his valet de chambre with a carriage to take me to it.  On the day appointed, I was much indisposed; the journey was postponed, and different circumstances prevented me from ever making it.  I have since learned the estate of Merlou did not belong to the marechal but to his lady, on which account I was the less sorry I had not gone to live there.

‘Emilius’ was at length given to the public, without my having heard further of retrenchments or difficulties.  Previous to the publication, the marechal asked me for all the letters M. de Malesherbes had written to me on the subject of the work.  My great confidence in both, and the perfect security in which I felt myself, prevented me from reflecting upon this extraordinary and even alarming request.  I returned all the letters excepting one or two which, from inattention, were left between the leaves of a book.  A little time before this, M. de Malesherbes told me he should withdraw the letters I had written to Duchesne during my alarm relative to the Jesuits, and, it must be confessed, these letters did no great honor to my reason.  But in my answer I assured him I would not in anything pass for being better than I was, and that he might leave the letters where they were.  I know not what he resolved upon.