the sincere attachment I had to Madam D’Epinay
preventing me, in a great measure, from feeling the
inconvenience with which it was accompanied.
She, on her part, filled up, well or ill, the void
which the absence of her usual circle left in her
amusements. This for her was but a very slender
supplement, although preferable to absolute solitude,
which she could not support. She had the means
of doing it much more at her ease after she began
with literature, and at all events to write novels,
letters, comedies, tales, and other trash of the same
kind. But she was not so much amused in writing
these as in reading them; and she never scribbled
over two or three pages—at one sitting—without
being previously assured of having, at least, two
or three benevolent auditors at the end of so much
labor. I seldom had the honor of being one of
the chosen few except by means of another. When
alone, I was, for the most part, considered as a cipher
in everything; and this not only in the company of
Madam D’Epinay, but in that of M. d’Holbach,
and in every place where Grimm gave the ‘ton’.
This nullity was very convenient to me, except in
a tete-a-tete, when I knew not what countenance to
put on, not daring to speak of literature, of which
it was not for me to say a word; nor of gallantry,
being too timid, and fearing, more than death, the
ridiculousness of an old gallant; besides that, I never
had such an idea when in the company of Madam D’Epinay,
and that it perhaps would never have occurred to me,
had I passed my whole life with her; not that her
person was in the least disagreeable to me; on the
contrary, I loved her perhaps too much as a friend
to do it as a lover. I felt a pleasure in seeing
and speaking to her. Her conversation, although
agreeable enough in a mixed company, was uninteresting
in private; mine, not more elegant or entertaining
than her own, was no great amusement to her.
Ashamed of being long silent, I endeavored to enliven
our tete-a-tete and, although this frequently fatigued
me, I was never disgusted with it. I was happy
to show her little attentions, and gave her little
fraternal kisses, which seemed not to be more sensual
to herself; these were all. She was very thin,
very pale, and had a bosom which resembled the back
of her hand. This defect alone would have been
sufficient to moderate my most ardent desires; my
heart never could distinguish a woman in a person who
had it; and besides other causes useless to mention,
always made me forget the sex of this lady.
Having resolved to conform to an assiduity which was necessary, I immediately and voluntarily entered upon it, and for the first year at least, found it less burthensome than I could have expected. Madam d’Epinay, who commonly passed the summer in the country, continued there but a part of this; whether she was more detained by her affairs in Paris, or that the absence of Grimm rendered the residence of the Chevrette less agreeable to her, I know not.