I had six months before sent him the first two parts of my ‘Eloisa’ to have his opinion upon them.  He had not yet read the work over.  We read a part of it together.  He found this ‘feuillet’, that was his term, by which he meant loaded with words and redundancies.  I myself had already perceived it; but it was the babbling of the fever:  I have never been able to correct it.  The last parts are not the same.  The fourth especially, and the sixth, are master-pieces of diction.

The day after my arrival, he would absolutely take me to sup with M. d’Holbach.  We were far from agreeing on this point; for I wished even to get rid of the bargain for the manuscript on chemistry, for which I was enraged to be obliged to that man.  Diderot carried all before him.  He swore D’Holbach loved me with all his heart, said I must forgive him his manner, which was the same to everybody, and more disagreeable to his friends than to others.  He observed to me that, refusing the produce of this manuscript, after having accepted it two years before, was an affront to the donor which he had not deserved, and that my refusal might be interpreted into a secret reproach, for having waited so long to conclude the bargain.  “I see,” added he, “D’Holbach every day, and know better than you do the nature of his disposition.  Had you reason to be dissatisfied with him, do you think your friend capable of advising you to do a mean thing?” In short, with my accustomed weakness, I suffered myself to be prevailed upon, and we went to sup with the baron, who received me as he usually had done.  But his wife received me coldly and almost uncivilly.  I saw nothing in her which resembled the amiable Caroline, who, when a maid, expressed for me so many good wishes.  I thought I had already perceived that since Grimm had frequented the house of D’Aine, I had not met there so friendly a reception.

Whilst I was at Paris, Saint Lambert arrived there from the army.  As I was not acquainted with his arrival, I did not see him until after my return to the country, first at the Chevrette, and afterwards at the Hermitage; to which he came with Madam d’Houdetot, and invited himself to dinner with me.  It may be judged whether or not I received him with pleasure!  But I felt one still greater at seeing the good understanding between my guests.  Satisfied with not having disturbed their happiness, I myself was happy in being a witness to it, and I can safely assert that, during the whole of my mad passion, and especially at the moment of which I speak, had it been in my power to take from him Madam d’Houdetot I would not have done it, nor should I have so much as been tempted to undertake it.  I found her so amiable in her passion for Saint Lambert, that I could scarcely imagine she would have been as much so had she loved me instead of him; and without wishing to disturb their union, all I really desired of her was to permit herself to be loved.  Finally, however violent my passion may have been for this lady, I found it as agreeable to be the confidant, as the object of her amours, and I never for a moment considered her lover as a rival, but always as my friend.  It will be said this was not love:  be it so, but it was something more.