she had one; and this family was composed of individuals
whose dispositions were so different from mine, that
I could never make it my own. This was the first
cause of my unhappiness. What would I not have
given to be the child of her mother? I did everything
in my power to become so, but could never succeed.
I in vain attempted to unite all our interests:
this was impossible. She always created herself
one different from mine, contrary to it, and to that
even of her daughter, which already was no longer separated
from it. She, her other children, and grand-children,
became so many leeches, and the least evil these did
to Theresa was robbing her. The poor girl, accustomed
to submit, even to her nieces, suffered herself to
be pilfered and governed without saying a word; and
I perceived with grief that by exhausting my purse,
and giving her advice, I did nothing that could be
of any real advantage to her. I endeavored to
detach her from her mother; but she constantly resisted
such a proposal. I could not but respect her
resistance, and esteemed her the more for it; but her
refusal was not on this account less to the prejudice
of us both. Abandoned to her mother and the
rest of her family, she was more their companion than
mine, and rather at their command than mistress of
herself. Their avarice was less ruinous than
their advice was pernicious to her; in fact, if, on
account of the love she had for me, added to her good
natural disposition, she was not quite their slave,
she was enough so to prevent in a great measure the
effect of the good maxims I endeavored to instil into
her, and, notwithstanding all my efforts, to prevent
our being united.
Thus was it, that notwithstanding a sincere and reciprocal
attachment, in which I had lavished all the tenderness
of my heart, the void in that heart was never completely
filled. Children, by whom this effect should
have been produced, were brought into the world, but
these only made things worse. I trembled at
the thought of intrusting them to a family ill brought
up, to be still worse educated. The risk of the
education of the foundling hospital was much less.
This reason for the resolution I took, much stronger
than all those I stated in my letter to Madam de Francueil,
was, however, the only one with which I dared not make
her acquainted; I chose rather to appear less excusable
than to expose to reproach the family of a person
I loved. But by the conduct of her wretched
brother, notwithstanding all that can be said in his
defence, it will be judged whether or not I ought
to have exposed my children to an education similar
to his.
Not having it in my power to taste in all its plentitude
the charms of that intimate connection of which I
felt the want, I sought for substitutes which did
not fill up the void, yet they made it less sensible.
Not having a friend entirely devoted to me, I wanted
others, whose impulse should overcome my indolence;
for this reason I cultivated and strengthened my connection
with Diderot and the Abbe de Condillac, formed with
Grimm a new one still more intimate, till at length
by the unfortunate discourse, of which I have related
some particulars, I unexpectedly found myself thrown
back into a literary circle which I thought I had
quitted forever.