in any matter requiring the exercise of a little common-sense and business capability.’ " He stared at me, amazed.  “I like that!  ’Pon my soul, that is really rich!  I could have believed almost anything of that blighted female, but I did think she had a reasonable amount of intelligence.  Why, you know that it’s just in matters requiring common-sense and business capability that I come out really strong.”

“Of course, old man,” I replied dutifully.  “The woman’s a fool.”

“That’s what she calls me two lines further on.  No wonder Millie was upset.  Why can’t these cats leave people alone?”

“Oh, woman, woman!” I threw in helpfully.

“Always interfering—­”

“Rotten!”

“And backbiting—­”

“Awful!”

“I shan’t stand it.”

“I shouldn’t!”

“Look here!  On the next page she calls me a gaby!”

“It’s time you took a strong line.”

“And in the very next sentence refers to me as a perfect guffin. 
What’s a guffin, Garny, old boy?”

I considered the point.

“Broadly speaking, I should say, one who guffs.”

“I believe it’s actionable.”

“I shouldn’t wonder.”

Ukridge rushed to the door.

“Millie!”

He slammed the door, and I heard him dashing upstairs.

I turned to my letters.  One was from Lickford, with a Cornish postmark.  I glanced through it and laid it aside for a more exhaustive perusal.

The other was in a strange handwriting.  I looked at the signature.  “Patrick Derrick.”  This was queer.  What had the professor to say to me?

The next moment my heart seemed to spring to my throat.

“Sir,” the letter began.

A pleasant cheery opening!

Then it got off the mark, so to speak, like lightning.  There was no sparring for an opening, no dignified parade of set phrases, leading up to the main point.  It was the letter of a man who was almost too furious to write.  It gave me the impression that, if he had not written it, he would have been obliged to have taken some very violent form of exercise by way of relief to his soul.

“You will be good enough to look on our acquaintance as closed.  I have no wish to associate with persons of your stamp.  If we should happen to meet, you will be good enough to treat me as a total stranger, as I shall treat you.  And, if I may be allowed to give you a word of advice, I should recommend you in future, when you wish to exercise your humour, to do so in some less practical manner than by bribing boatmen to upset your—­(friends crossed out thickly, and acquaintances substituted.) If you require further enlightenment in this matter, the enclosed letter may be of service to you.”

With which he remained mine faithfully, Patrick Derrick.

The enclosed letter was from one Jane Muspratt.  It was bright and interesting.