my first disgrace, of which I have already spoken.  The day after that on which I had resumed my functions I went as usual to awaken the First Consul at seven in the morning.  He treated me just the same as if nothing had happened between us; and on my part I behaved to him just as usual, though I really regretted being obliged to resume labours which I found too oppressive for me.  When Bonaparte came down into his cabinet he spoke to me of his plans with his usual confidence, and I saw, from the number of letters lying in the basket, that during the few days my functions had been suspended Bonaparte had not overcome his disinclination to peruse this kind of correspondence.  At the period of this first rupture and reconciliation the question of the Consulate for life was yet unsettled.  It was not decided until the 2d of August, and the circumstances to which I am about to refer happened at the end of February.

I was now restored to my former footing of intimacy with the First Consul, at least for a time; but I soon perceived that, after the scene which M. de Talleyrand had witnessed, my duties in the Tuileries were merely provisional, and might be shortened or prolonged according to circumstances.  I saw at the very first moment that Bonaparte had sacrificed his wounded pride to the necessity (for such I may, without any vanity, call it) of employing my services.  The forced preference he granted to me arose from the fact of his being unable to find any one able to supply my place; for Duroc, as I have already said, showed a disinclination to the business.  I did not remain long in the dark respecting the new situation in which I stood.  I was evidently still under quarantine; but the period of my quitting the port was undetermined.

A short time after our reconciliation the First Consul said to me, in a cajoling tone of which I was not the dupe, “My dear Bourrienne, you cannot do everything.  Business increases, and will continue to increase.  You know what Corvisart says.  You have a family; therefore it is right you should take care of your health.  You must not kill yourself with work; therefore some one must be got to assist you.  Joseph tells me that he can recommend a secretary, one of whom he speaks very highly.  He shall be under your direction; he can make out your copies, and do all that can consistently be required of him.  This, I think, will be a great relief to you.”—­“I ask for nothing better,” replied I, “than to have the assistance of some one who, after becoming acquainted with the business, may, some time or other, succeed me.”  Joseph sent M. de Meneval, a young man who, to a good education, added the recommendations of industry and prudence.  I had every reason to be satisfied with him.

It was now that Napoleon employed all those devices and caresses which always succeeded so well with him, and which yet again gained the day, to put an end to the inconvenience caused to him by my retirement, and to retain me.  Here I call every one who knew me as witnesses that nothing could equal my grief and despair to find myself obliged to again begin my troublesome work.  My health had suffered much from it.  Corvisart was a clever counsellor, but it was only during the night that I could carry out his advice.  To resume my duties was to renounce all hope of rest, and even of health.