was still unslaked; the craving far freedom as keen
as ever. During the whole of my married life,
I had been conscious of an inner protest against “settling
down,” as Tom Peters had settled down. The
smaller house from which we had moved, with its enforced
propinquity, hard emphasized the bondage of marriage.
Now I had two rooms to myself, in the undisputed possession
of which I had taken a puerile delight. On one
side of my dressing-room Archie Lammerton had provided
a huge closet containing the latest devices for the
keeping of a multitudinous wardrobe; there was a reading-lamp,
and the easiest of easy-chairs, imported from England,
while between the windows were shelves of Italian
walnut which I had filled with the books I had bought
while at Cambridge, and had never since opened.
As I sank down in my chair that odd feeling of uneasiness,
of transience and unreality, of unsatisfaction I had
had ever since we had moved suddenly became intensified,
and at the very moment when I had gained everything
I had once believed a man could desire! I was
successful, I was rich, my health had not failed, I
had a wife who catered to my wishes, lovable children
who gave no trouble and yet—there was still
the void to be filled, the old void I had felt as a
boy, the longing for something beyond me, I knew not
what; there was the strange inability to taste any
of these things, the need at every turn for excitement,
for a stimulus. My marriage had been a disappointment,
though I strove to conceal this from myself; a disappointment
because it had not filled the requirements of my category—excitement
and mystery: I had provided the setting and lacked
the happiness. Another woman Nancy—might
have given me the needed stimulation; and yet my thoughts
did not dwell on Nancy that night, my longings were
not directed towards her, but towards the vision of
a calm, contented married happiness I had looked forward
to in youth,—a vision suddenly presented
once more by the sight of Maude’s simple pleasure
in dressing the Christmas tree. What restless,
fiendish element in me prevented my enjoying that?
I had something of the fearful feeling of a ghost
in my own house and among my own family, of a spirit
doomed to wander, unable to share in what should have
been my own, in what would have saved me were I able
to partake of it. Was it too late to make that
effort?.... Presently the strains of music pervaded
my consciousness, the chimes of Trinity ringing out
in the damp night the Christmas hymn, Adeste Fideles.
It was midnight it was Christmas. How clear the
notes rang through the wet air that came in at my
window! Back into the dim centuries that music
led me, into candle-lit Gothic chapels of monasteries
on wind-swept heights above the firs, and cathedrals
in mediaeval cities. Twilight ages of war and
scourge and stress and storm—and faith.
“Oh, come, all ye Faithful!” What a strange
thing, that faith whose flame so marvellously persisted,
piercing the gloom; the Christmas myth, as I had heard
someone once call it. Did it possess the power
to save me? Save me from what? Ah, in this
hour I knew. In the darkness the Danger loomed
up before me, vague yet terrible, and I trembled.
Why was not this Thing ever present, to chasten and
sober me? The Thing was myself.